Today, I became a Senior. A Senior. My God, I would've never seen myself make it this far with myself to realize how much has changed to this moment. I keep thinking about this little boy, maybe some 4 ft. tall, and how all he knew in life was trying for an Honor Roll, trying to make friends, talk like a smart business person, "be important" however an elementary schooler could see anything... that little boy thought that by the time he got to the age of 18, when being 18 to buy this or that from a TV screen was all that mattered about the age, that he would BE that smart business-talking person, that D.A.R.E. would teach me the dangers of drugs, and that he will be a proud citizen to his shining country called the United States Of America.
... it has come to my last year of schooling, and I want to cry to tell that little boy that everything he's been told over the years has been almost a complete set of lies. That little innocent boy was lied to. For 17 years. This world isn't what he expected by this age. This isn't his shining country called the United States Of America. his. This isn't a safe world D.A.R.E made for him. That little boy has absolutely no idea what has happened. He's no longer four feet tall.
It's very hard to comprehend why I'm gloomy right now, but I have this feeling that seems to have settled in, telling me that everything last year has taught me from honor, friends, teachers, and Seniors especially, I have to walk with now that I myself have become the Senior. As if most of my friends and most of my Senior friends from last year gave me the key to this moment in time, and it's my responsibility alone now, to take that key to two locks: my diploma, and my heart.
First, let me tell you about the actual first day. To begin with, my bus is still the depressing and destructive I-want-to-choke-these-little-middle-schoolers-to-death sensation when I got on. I met a good friend from last year, and had chats here and there, with my PSP settling on my hand to The Proclaimer's "500 Miles", feeling like the proper way to start. Haha.
The minute I got into the school, the [boop] hits the fan. I've never seen so many "Freshmen" in one fucking place. These kids keep getting tinier by the year, dammit! Half the Commons was dry empty! I got to see some more friends (scattered in and around the Freshmen, I mean) and Mrs. Young eventually through the chaos. One of them, Sean, and I went to that dry, empty space just to overlook how fucked up it was. Chaos, fo shiz, man...
Trying to figure out my own personal schedule, I went to Homeroom alot earlier, and found the Goldberg brothers hanging in my Homeroom. Going to 1st Period for Vid/Broadcasting, it was great to see Mr. Shouse happy/pissed to see me. I have some high hopes for this class, regardless of however mood that guy's is.
2nd Period came along, and after a knee-cramping stutter through the halls to Adv. Alg (I already arranged route plans outside the school back at Open House), I was welcomed by Richardson Lane, I see as the only person, in the class, and eventually by Jerry Meitin, who's first name is enough for the toying with the word "Seinfeld" to it. And now I'm his class clown. Since when am I ever called that? XD
3rd Period was somewhat curious, because Open House listed mine as a question mark; it was a dealing of electives and chance, since it was a "Vacant" choice. I got... well, a class on business and career, making plans, etc... I swear to God, my brother would love this class if he went back some maybe 2 years ago, 'cause that was all I could think about for the class.
However, I began to remember that I had almost nobody from my little group of friends for lunch like last year. It was all scattered, as if the (new) Administration chose us of all people because we were so connected that their miserable little lives didn't want to see us happy. And during 5th, I realized more and more that everything was confusly scattered. Scattered than ever. I had Zach H. for 1st, Richardson for 2nd, Sean for 3rd... a few number of people I would hardly notice for 5th, and maybe 2, for 6th.
It feels so empty without the people I met and truly had my trust and love for. They're off to college now, or just laughing at us on Facebook. Haha. And then there's people I love as dearly, who I'll see for maybe only 20 minutes in the morning in a day. And the few who are so important to me, they're gone to another school. It feels as if I gotta tread this year alone, in some way. Facebook doesn't make it better, from the sense I'm putting.
I have my family from back in the Drama department, and words won't ever describe those feelings, but even then, it felt empty with about 16 people. It would've been a complete blast (for me) to have worked with complete noobs at this, or just have more people somewhat new to this, and get involved in the process. As much love (and importance) there is to be working with the same actors as last year, it would've been great to have more to it than that.
... having Ms. Mix- MRS. COLLINS!- doesn't really make it better with Senior Prj. coming along, as with those other few mentioned, for 5th, either.
Across the hall, I can take all the time in the world to my 6th period, where I was TOLD (Brandon, you asshole XD ) to be making video game codes in Computer Programming. Nevertheless, it felt very lounge-like to be working with fellow gamers/geeks/computer people, and with someone as awesome as Mrs. McKean.
In the end, though, it really feels limited to how I can commune with those loved ones I made about one year ago. Though, I feel that in almost one year, on May, I will look back at this Blog post, or even my entire life... as I touch my diploma, my ticket to escape from this world if I can. Break the chains I managed to damage sufficiently, and get the hell outta here.
Because this is my last year... and it's only been the first day.
-AG
