Tenderment and enlightenment at around midnight No. 2 (On politics)

So again last night, I had another enlightening talk with a Senior classman. Do I see a trend?

Actually, I don’t know how it was enlightening, since I didn’t really learn anything like the last ones, but it reinforced my newly learned idea that there are some people here who share your mind and interests.

OR tenderment.  Mind you, this is a male persona. Not a female persona who managed to tickle my mind and my heart, but a guy, dude… and whata dude.

This entire chat (Facebook, of course) began with him mentioning his actions against a Selective Service draft he got, and what he thought about it. I talked to him about it, asked him if what he did was, in some words, fair, or legal. We talked about his rebellious, peace-loving, music-breathing ego that I resemble (or try to), his ideas on what should be with the US government, what to do with our lives, rock ‘n’ roll, love…and much to my pleasing, we have the same ideas on politics.

We both have nothing against our US Army, God bless them, but we have something to say on the politics in everything leading to it. How the government has treated many issues during the 20^th century, 60s and early 90s. How there shouldn’t be any political party system here, how much dependent we are on them or not. How we don’t loath but doubt our president…

I’m going to expand on this, believe me, but not here. Not like last time. I think for something this important, I guess, to people, I should make it a topic between me and the reader, not two thinkers and the reader.

Now before anything, I didn’t even know the guy. I met him spontaneously standing infront of Mrs. Mixon’s ELA classroom as my class waited for her to come back. Band geek, seemed cool, reminded me alot of James Franco, hell with it, add him on Facebook. What a story. (Sorry, Andrew :/ ) Chatted with him from time to time, developed a connection, and now enveloped it.

However, though, I think this may reinforce a new image I began to realize this month, and it’s this: For someone you just met, you can’t just assume they’re this or that, or don’t seem like they believe in this or that, or do this, etc… Now, alot of us know this already, “don’t judge a book by its cover”, blah blah, but I can tell alot of us don’t take it for heart. Someone you hardly know, don’t know one bit. And someone like me, who just takes the chance and just does it, I’m thoroughly surprised many times how vast someone like this guy can think and analyze aspects of themselves and society. It’s very clear with the prequel to this blog entry.

There truly are some unknown minds in this place, and I’m lucky enough to interview them.

-AG

Review: GHSGT week

Come on, you saw this coming. After a week of long study nights, homework, school society, and life in general, it's a cry of hallelujah to say this week is finally over. Minute I got home this Friday, turned on my dusting PS3, put on the Rolling Stones "Shine A Light" concert for the 19th time (the entire concert, 19 times), and jumped around the house like a madman. Something I miss doing. After that, I fell asleep, forced to see a movie with Mel Gibson in it I didn't wanna see (Mel Gibson. Period.), watched 'Married... with Children' for the first time in awhile, and now I'm here.

So what was I... oh yeah! The Georgia High School Graduation Test. I honestly thought this week would never end, or end in a good manner. But it surprisingly surprised me. So I'm gonna do a "review" of the tests I took this week, in order, so I could explain better.

1) Science
I'm not much of a science person. I mean, I love biology, but that's only because I had an incredible teacher at the time. I'm glad I did, since this test was mostly on biology, as well as chemistry (which I'm taking now) and some physics. Again, I'm not a science person and biology is good, so it wasn't easy, but I think that knowledge got me far with the test. Out of 60, 65 questions, I think I did alright. The questions themselves weren't picky, thankfully, but they had some "WTF?! WHO WOULD ASK THAT?!?!" kinda questions, and some needed input put into them. "If this and this did this, ate that, it's probably a-", you'd have to take it in, and look at those choices (Duh!) and pick "Decomposers"

One REALLY screwed-up question was when it asked to "compare a cell to a flashlight. What would the mitochondria represent?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Who would ask that? HOW do you answer that? How do you compare a [beeping] cell to a [beeping] flashlight? Lightbulb? Handle? Battery (answer)? WHAT?!?!

That really was the test. More screwed-up questions and answers than anything.

2) Mathematics
So halfway through this section of the test, I was about ready to leave my testing room to the bathroom, and laugh my fucking ass off. Holy crap. This test was an absolute joke, it's not even funny.

Here's the rundown: 75 questions, no challenge, hardly no use of a calculator, no specific or legit algebra, only two blank spaces because I TEMPORARILY forgot a method, badass emotions, Northern pride, all within 1 hour 15 minutes.

I can't go any further than that, but to say that I am very happy to have been born in New York when I took this. Do Georgia school systems really think we're THAT low in math? Yikes!

3) English, Language Arts
Tell ya what, I was really getting sick of those Mexican-American poems. Other than that, it was challenging, though not staggering. It had the typical short stories and poems that you actually had to read to actually get the question. Nothing new to me, other than I'm not fully great with answering questions to specific stories. I mean, I WRITE good, but that's just it. I do write good, right?...

4) Social Studies
This is one of those rare times where I'm actually thankful I studied the night before. Had I not, I wouldn't have gotten the 2/3 answers I picked heartily whenever I counted how I many I answered and left blank when I reached a stopping point for myself. The other 1/3 were real trouble spots because I knew what the question was talking about, but any of the answer choices could've been it. Like, all those choices are the reasons as to what happened after the French and Indian War, so what do you mean by "directly"?

Anyway, for 90 questions, I'm pretty content with myself that I finished it at around the same time I finished the Math section, which says something when it was the only test section I feared of all. And for that, I give my thanks and my continuing loathing to Mrs. Griffin's Power Period.


I did take a "fifth" test, but it was really our first. The Writing test section, which we took last year. I should touch on that, but it was a persuasive essay, and I got around a 4.5/5 on. It was great since it was an essay on something I kinda liked: government spending, on space programs.

We surprisingly took the Social Studies test Friday, since the board got the wrong test on the scheduled Thursday we where gonna take it. This pissed me off, yet gave me a full day or relaxation and extra studying before Friday.

So, in a state of shock, this staggering week is over. And there's no homework for me to accomplish minus some journals for Literature. I got this weekend to myself. How am I gonna spend it? Do every little thing I gotta do right now (Saturday, 1am), then the big stuff, my bed, for the whole weekend. My bed. Missed those long hours of sleep, damn straight deserve them now.

-AG

Motivation and satisfaction (No. 1)

DRIVERS LICENSE

I'm not much of a fan of driving. That's what I believed, until I went go-cart racing in Adventure Crossing during a birthday party last year, then my life changed. Now, it's one of my main focus in life to get a [beeping] drivers license, or even some card to get me to drive. However, I'm a lazy guy, and put up from getting a permit until January of this year. I'm gonna be 17 in about 5 weeks, and I still have nothing involving a car. But I took the permit test finally around January.

I passed the signs test, failed the rules test. Typical. Since then, I just stopped caring, and just think about it on occasions, say "Yeah, maybe I should..." only to be mind-stopped by something. But now it's just critical I get it.

I ride a school bus with a ratio of about 2:8 high to middle schoolers. Middle schoolers that want to be the high schooler we are. Middle schoolers you just want to choke and beat their ass to death. I can't express it simpler or easier than this status I wrote on my Facebook:

"- Once you get closer to the end of high school, there's a fine line between you and the middle schoolers. A bunch of pathetic wannabes who look like an overweight set of child prostitutes and gangbangers, have phones and Apple tech they don't know shit over, and will go as far as they can to appear badass infront of the high schooler. Problem is, they don't know what kind of a high schooler I can be."

There really is a fine line between us. Yes, you used to be a middle schooler yourself, but when you get closer to graduating outta high school, it's a clear wall. Not just a pristine wall, but a wall that's been developing over the years because of parents and technology, but that's another story.

And it's not just them. Believe me, I can go on about how much I wanna smash these little runts with a baseball bat, step on their heads, crush them, GAH!... but it's not just them. And like always, there are middle schoolers that'll surprise you with their intellect, but like my recent posts have said, it's rare.

I also ride with the 2 of that ratio, and the half of that ratio is basically the same as these middle schoolers who shouldn't be in high school in the first place.

And it's not just them. We have a terrible driver, an annoying cast of characters, a route that lasts about 5 minutes so we can't sleep (even if we tried with the annoying cast)... And what is it with these people and perfumes? You're not gonna get attraction by smelling like old vanilla cookies or macaroons. Srsly...

So I just turned a discussion about a driver's license to a rant against a school bus. But this is good, 'cause it'll remind me of why I should look into a license. Now.

GHSGT

It's gonna be a long end of the month, and today will be my last taste of happiness and aggressive gaming pwnage. After this afternoon, I'm gonna have to hit the books for my Georgia High School Graduation Tests (GHSGT). Science, Math, English, and Social Issues. 4 days, 2 hours per, and then regular schooling right after. Christ!

...and that's just the testing. Right now, I gotta call this magazine business about a SECOND? renewal for my subscription? When I just renewed it about 2 weeks ago? Not just that, but drama to deal with, with people that are driving each other, and me, to the point of mental hysteria. AND drama onstage as well, with our rehearsals for "Alice In Wonderland" we're performing about a month from now.

Man, that's the only sort of "drama" I wanna deal with. I'm talking to some veterans on how the testing was to them. It doesn't make any sense, calling it a Graduation Test, when I'm still a Junior... but whatever.

Week after that, though, things should windle down. After this coming week, it'll be another week of school crap, but THEN... Spring Break, oh my. Nothing but Playstation and dumbbells for me. And some weeks later, this bastard turns 17.

It's gonna be a long end of the school year, I should say.

-AG

Crap from me, to 6th period.

"dear blog,

today i told my class from mrs. young about my blog. i told them i talk about my deep thoughts, and they laughed. nobody will take me serioulsy. i hate it. i hate it alot, nobody loves me. anywaayyyy, i had another lame day. drama, people being IMMATURE, blah. hope tomorrow is better...

anthony"

... yeah right. Take that, you 6th period basterds.

It really is saddening that some people can't take others seriously as they can or should. Sure, I'm a wild persona, and I can believe some people wouldn't take me seriously at times, but why the hell not? Do you not wanna try? Give it a chance?... but then am I trying? Crisscross on ideals. Man, I hate complexity.

-AG

On being single.

Continued from ‘On relationships’

So as I said on my last blog entry, I’m not usually in a rush to be in a relationship. Beginning one, dealing with one, ending one, getting over one, but also… I just freaking enjoy being a single guy. I mean, there are as many disadvantages as there are advantages in not being in a relationship, but… let me just write.

Let me just write. (I like that.)

I’ve been single for my entire life. Now I think because of that, I have been able to express myself more vividly and openly than I would if I wasn’t. I feel so free, relaxed, and feel as if I can be who I want to be without worrying about relationships. Circumstances, I’d probably still be able to if I was in one, but I really doubt that. I enjoy being single mainly for the freedom and interactions.

I love women. Pretty women. Women with personality, women with adorable faces, women with a grasp on intellect, women with bodies that make your pants drop … you get the point. But that’s the thing. Women. Not woman. Women. There are plenty of those kinds out there, and it’s the thing with me being with one of those for a certain time. A certain time until I seem to either get irritated or bored, and later have the itch to meet someone new. Someone with the figures I mentioned above. (I’ll expand on that.) And again, there are those I simply can never get tired of, get angry about, and simply not worry or be afraid of being in a relationship with. But that’s just rare, and that’s just me.

And then there’s me living. Here’s the jingle: I can handle billions of people judging how I dress, strut, rebel, or do random things. I can handle people judging me. I cannot, CANNOT handle one person judging me, and remind myself that that person is really a part of my life. Women will find their ways to control your life. I can’t say for myself, clearly, but it will happen. Maybe not all, but again that’ll be that rare breed of women.

Not just all this, but I simply enjoy playing. Playing with the curiosity of women liking me. And yes, it has happened, it happens. It always will. It will for me, for you, him, and her. And if you play that game, and you yourself are in a relationship, it’ll make you sick. Hanging out with women, being with women, hugging women, different women talking to you, having yourself be someone to look up to… all that jazz, and not worry about a girlfriend questioning it, complaining about it... just only having the other guy questioning, which is always fun.

Now again, there are those nights where I feel pretty alone as I watch the Late Late Show, or drink a pop of Cola as I lay back on the coach, or even when I do homework with music blaring out of my laptop. It can be saddening for me on many occurrences, I’d really feel like a lowdown loser for not being in a relationship, I admit. It’s never fun, especially when you’re standing with your friends and their boyfriend/girlfriend and those two are chatting, and you just stand there like a dumbass asking yourself “What am I doing here?” There are those times, sulking over it. But when I feel that alone, I can always turn to some gals I can never feel alone with, and all that I mentioned above comes to effect.

In the end, though, I somehow overlook it myself over how incredible and content my life is. I feel this major sense of freedom and liberty when I am me, and me being single. I don’t think I’m gonna need a woman in my life in awhile. Maybe not yet, but not now, not when I got the world going my way. I live the way I want. And no woman is going to change that.

-AG

On relationships.

I’m going to be frank with anyone who sees this. I mean my friends on Facebook, a spontaneous reader, or just anyone interested on how I have handled relationships for the past, almost, 17 years.

I’ve never been in one. Never in a relationship. I’ve never asked a girl out, I’ve never been on a date, I never even kissed a girl with it having a sort of meaning in the word “love”. The sort of “love” that most everyone in this Godforsaken Earth has hidden, loathed, and complicated since the existence of humanity.

I think I finally figured out why I’ve never been in one. And believe me, it’s not because I’m socially awkward. Lord have mercy on us all, I’m the most confident and lively man you’ll find in your universe. I can do anything, say anything, and have no ounce of fear or regret in what I do. Revolutionary, alive, badabing sister, you have to meet me to know me.

What I DO fear, I realized sometime ago, is being in a relationship. It may be me, and people like me, who either don’t know where to start (Boy, do I got stories to tell.), or just don’t want to deal with the problems and heartaches that’ll event. Or both. Either way, that’s probably my one and only fear, yet my one and only thrill. Being in love, not being in love.

Now trust me, and take it my way, I think I could be a damn good boyfriend. And I’m honest there. I’ve taken in that into consideration through what I’ve experienced, seen, and observed with couples for my past life, and still do. I see what’s going right, see what’s going wrong, see who’s to blame for a relationship issue… I’ve seen it all (Not in a creeper manner, I mean.) And believe me, I honestly think I’d be the right man.

But then there’s me with the right woman. Or lack there of. I mean I found some here and there, but that was when I was younger and more of an amateur, and just thought FAR too ahead of myself. Now where I am, that’s mostly what I think of. That, and homework, sadly.

What I question myself at times is whether I’d be devoted to a single person. One person? And for how long? How long til I found someone “better” in some way over the one I’d be with at the moment. This gal, then this gal I met, then this other gal’s friend… all in less than a month. That’s happened many times, still does. And I did find the one (The ONE, damnit!) for awhile, but even she herself has my sort of situation.

When I learned that, I somehow felt more free than a bird would ask for. Because I’m not alone, but also more relaxed than I was before. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead of myself at my age, maybe I’m not. I just felt like clearing this out for my fellow Facebook-ers, but especially for myself.

As for what I’ve taught myself, I want to teach myself again, and maybe teach you: For fuck’s sake, just be yourself. Don’t let a woman, even if you don’t know her at all, make you change that. Because what you do with your character and personality leaves a mark on all the women who notice. They’ll be a sum of those who ignore, and a sum of those who’ll take notice and try to know you. And then there’s the sum who take it naturally (Dont know what that means, though.). And as a side, have personality. Gals like that. Not boredom (usually…), but a sort of “Hot damn!” rockstar-sorta person who knows how to live. And doesn’t obsese, or complicate, or frustrate.

Now why have I myself not done this? Simply this. Because I’m one of the few who don’t have a major rush to be in a relationship. Not yet, at least. I’ll figure this out in time. Yes, there are many moments I feel so alone and lost without a woman, but I enjoy being single. I really do ;) (I’ll expand on this.)

…I should be doing research right now, but my Engineer/Drawing teach is too distracted with what’s going on behind our lab, and I’m not in the mood (I’m in a good mood.) to look up info on a ducted fan. I should ask Brandon whether… nay, I’ll take care of it… not right now. Too busy writing and listening to about 52 Beatles songs on my PSP. Procrastination to the max, doll. Get back. Get back. Get back to where you once belong…

-AG

Tenderment and enlightenment at around midnight.

So some days ago, I had yet another discussion with someone about reputation and society. Only this one truly got to my mind as to who I actually am in a state of mentality and being, and as a person, which again REALLY got to my mind.

I say "yet another" because I had one some weeks ago with an old friend/mother-figure from my old high school, Evans High. It began with her asking whether diction during conversations would be a problem with certain people we know. We talked about nothing but vocabulary and language, and how language (not cursing, but manner of speech) can leave a mark on a person. About logic and how people like me and her use it (or try to), while some simply ignore it. And how all this can lead to realizing just how truly great or how kinda low someone can be to this person.

"I see research, I don't just look at it to finish my project or essay, I LOOK at it. I observe, evaluate, elaborate these observations. That way, I'll know."

This conversation enlightened me since I never had a conversation this deep, meaningful, or in any case IMPORTANT to me, in a long time. It was just so epic to me it got me to think. This chat made me realize that there really are some people out there that I can have a serious and sincere conversation with

Now about two days later or so, I eventually talked to a fellow drama geek from my current school about... not exactly, but sorta the same sort of discussion I had above. We didn't talk about diction, or people with an idea on diction, but we talked.

And we talked, and talked, and I realized this person knows pretty much EXACTLY how my mind works! I was scared for a few minutes, to be honest. She figured out some ideals that are me, but I didn't know really where me. It felt like she was digging into my mentality before I could use that mentality to its utmost degree on her, or anybody.

Now as for what we were talking about, I can't really remember, since I was trying to save this chat onto Word, (as I did with the other chat before it.) but my Internet kept on crashing that I can't remember most of it. And it was before a week of hectic and hellish Junior Project crap.

However, I found yet another person I can have an honest-to-goodness sort of chat. She told me how if I'm going to critique society, "prepare for society to critique you." How I am a "an nonconformist who's trying to be different and unique...", something like that. However it was phrased, it completely stopped everything, and I had a "Holy [beep]" moment. She knows what I'm talking about and asking for.

I figured out later how much we are related on ideals. Aside the clear hearts to acting and theatre life, we do share almost the same ideas on certain matters of life. After that night, I went to bed with more enlightenment than before. But it had me question more about how I view things, especially society as a whole.

Earlier before my chat with the gal from Evans High, I asked another psychological "riddle" on my Facebook, that there are three words far more stronger and impacting than "I love you." And those who responded wrote with words about hatred, anguish, and comical sexual innuendos. But no, those were not the responses I was asking. For some reason, these three words came to me as I was taking a shower. I've been having this questionable revelations happen alot, for some reason. Anyway, those words were:

"I forgive you."

Nobody would have guessed those words, not even the devoted Christians who responded. Something like this gave me another reason to question society, and whether I really want to be a part of it. But that's when society kicks in. Is it all THAT bad to me? To me? To those who deal with it more than I do? Is it more complex than I picture anything to be easy?

Now by now, we all know about 2012. We don't know, except for the date of December 21st. The theory by Mayans that the world will collapse on that date. Now I believe that theory, but not because of the Mayans. Though they have made incredible strides in technology during their time, I have my own view of as to why we are doomed that day. The world will end not because of solar flares, the Earth's mantle or core, but it will end because of society. Society as of now is immensely @#$&ed. We are at war with many countries and nations (Basically a WW3 without the name.), governments are corrupted, people are corrupted enough to blow up their own race, a sense of morality and trust is rare to find anywhere at anytime, the media is having more control over everybody than before (Sorta like the book, "Fahrenheit 451"), I can go on. But is it all so doomed? Having these conversations made me realize more that there are people like me who question this as much as I do, so everything shut for me for a bit.

Here are some of the problems I noticed I have with myself and my view on society, most I noticed through these chats: I judge. I've been told that before, but I now tell myself this. Maybe not as badly or openly or as much as some people do, but I judge. This became very obvious for myself when I first got into Lakeside. I met some incredible people, like this drama geek above. And I noticed some of these people look like something outside, but some are something incredibly more inside. Now I saw that many times as I was growing up, but never as meaningful or heartfelt as high school (Figures, it's high school.).

I admit, I sometimes feel superior over society and others without mentioning it or putting thought to it. But I write that because I can never seem to find anybody with an honest conscience, one that can talk about theology, religion, evolution, or any of that without making it seem more of a rant or joke than an actual thoughtful opinion. And when I DO find them (the two beautiful women above), I can say that they have a much more stronger sense of worth and opinion to this earth than I or anybody else. Because these two, and far many more than I can image, have a better grasp on reality than I know. And I love that. I love people who can give their thoughts to what they want to say about, say, society or logic, even if it means driving mine to the ground.

Now here's what I DO know I am: I am myself. I don't try to be like anybody else at all. What I do, be it the way I dress, how I react to a certain idea or conscience, or just my way of living...I don't do it for attention, but for my own purpose or entertainment. I live the way I want, I act the way I want to, because it makes ME me and happy. I don't care what haters think, because... they're haters. They can criticize as much as they want about my livelihood, because it won't change me, my livelihood, and my world. And as for my opinion, it is MY opinion. And when I feel like writing down that opinion, or just feel like it, I just damn right do it. I made a quote for myself sometime before any of this. "I break rules, take risks, complicate minds, all for a reason or purpose. Never for attention. Always for reason."... or simply that last sentence.

If you read this far, I hope you don't take anything I wrote as an offense. Though I'm not sure how, I can consider it could happen. A lot of what I mentioned are only a small set of sentences. Believe me, I have MUCH more to say than that, so you can figure more out about what I mentioned when I have the time to write it. I think I finally figured out why I made a blog...

Though I'm not proud to live in a world that is in conflict with its own people, governments, and itself, I AM proud to live in a world where I could find people I can express my entire life to. And to that, I give my word.

And as a final note to this lengthy post, Niccole Wallentine and Madison Junod are both beautiful and phenomenal characters I pray I do not lose in the future. I love you all to death.

-AG

The reasons for what I do to humanity.

This is a quote from a conversation I had with a real ol' friend of mine from Lakeside High through Facebook some minutes ago. The topic ended, so I thought I may as well bring up a new topic, and I did. Now, I have this habit with people I know, and at times with people I DON'T know, and I can't explain it as well as I did during the talk.

"This is random, but I wanna tell somebody: I'm the sort of person that feeds off testing the patience, psychology, morality, resistance, sanity of humans. I play mind games on everyone, even if it means loosing a friend, just so I can enjoy a laugh. A smile on my face, to see people get absolutely paranoid over the most simplist words. "I know what you did." was one of those. I don't know ANYTHING about what those 120 people did, but I wanted to see if THEY know that. How they'd respond to those 5 words. And everyone of them failed. Even 2 weeks later they STILL ask me what I know. But that's the art and beauty of it. Breathing in their tolerance is one of the keys to my survival. I love it, and I love society for it."

That exact quote, and this very brilliant monologue from 2008's 'The Dark Knight'.

That is all I wish to write. For my Facebook friends, you're welcome.

-AG