God, I love being single and hopeless! It's alot better than being rich and miserable. But I still suck either way. Awesome!
( ^ Too many statuses on Facebook ^ )
So, some people I blankly share my Blog to (really just one, though) have "encouraged" to bring up different ideas for my ANT'S INDEPENDENT REVOLUTION. I still haven't worked on my My IGN blog, which is a gaming blog for my gaming juices... and that's just about it. Gaming, and inner thought. That's all I can think of for any sort of writing worth clustering on a Word document and blindly putting together into a terribly-coherent Post.
Well... since I'm here, I suppose I can give a shot at avoiding topics such as: school, girls, college, future, drama, beauty, death, love, society... this is difficult because I can't avoid these, because it's only these topics that are a part of me for the next 8 months, and then some more after that...
Netflix? It got an update on my Playstation 3, and the results are wonderful. And THE best TV series ever thought up, 'Married... With Children', has almost all seasons up on the live library, thank God!-
BINGO!
I never touched on religion on here. Take that, Larry!
- Ant
ENTRY SEARCH
Oct 18, 2010
Oct 17, 2010
On beauty.
If there's one thing school has not taught me, and will probably ever "teach" anyone anytime, anywhere... it's American Beauty. Yes, I'm aware I've talked about this movie too many times on this Blog... but at the same time, I'm also aware you hardly ever look at my Blog in the first place, so we're even. The movie is a work of filmographic artwork, an important masterpiece of film... and it has nothing to do with the camera angles, the music, Kevin Spacey, and the symbolism (though they are all as incredible, especially the symbolism). It's the inner meaning of life. How life is a bitch when its in a cage, and you just don't have that umph to get out the cage, even though that cage has the key in the lock...
Until all you see and need is the motivation: A lover. Or a bitch of a lover. A unique young adult who smokes pot and has an eye for the visually-striking. The positive, or the negative. The thing that drives you, or the thing that drives you insane.
This movie was my motivation. That living the predictable isn't the way you'll live a "good life". That aiming high, beyond your dreams is a daunting task that'll require your patience and indifference. That we preconceive our ideas about things in life, without seeing the truth. And that truth would turn out to be something we never expected or considered for a moment.
And discovering the Rolling Stones through "Shine A Light". Yeah, that too.
I've mentioned this on a recent Blog entry, but during the start of the climax of my schooling (the end of middle school, the start of high school), my life was crap. I didn't know what to live for, not because I was emo, but.. what did I have to live for? I didn't understand what was right or wrong, what was acceptable and unacceptable to who, or who I wanted or needed to follow in the first place. And alot of these contributed to a narrow and bland life. It's my Senior year in high school now, and now people tell me that I'm an attention-whore for wearing Lennon shades, or shades in general, indoors; for wearing a peace armband that somehow represents a swastika; for attaching a box of mint/cinnamon Altoids on the strap of my one-strap bookbag; for wearing a suit at the start of the second semester; for having all my wrist crap on my wrist... it's high school. But I still tell them, and I still observe, "It's just me being me." And I genuinely enjoy life. I at least enjoy life at its most.
You can find beauty in all the wrong places, all the most random places. A sunset is a good example. A still lake? Two birds chasing each other for over two hours in the same part of the neighborhood? A damaged and abandoned room? Red roses? The blue sky that I can see for miles? Driving alone on the naked road? Almost all of this is naturalism, yes, but nevertheless, you need the eye for it. It's just the matter of letting go.
This may seem abit harsh, but (aside aspects you can't change at all; ex. cancer) I smile and laugh at people on the inside for being boring. Not just boring, but at the same time, being so full of shit (ex. 6yr olds playing COD multiplayer with the "heart" of a high rank, Justin Beiber). Not just that, I try to avoid it all together. Most of my friends aren't boring, and those that are boring have that charming charismatic tone that makes it entertaining to live. The people, even friends, I avoid, I try not to stress so much, but at the same time, it gets annoying having to deal with their problems over and over almost every weekday.
In the end, sometimes life is so fast and hectic, and filled with distractions, and sometimes you have to teach yourself to be still and be quiet and allow yourself to look for beauty. That's all I can teach you from what I've learned. And when you have the eye for it... oh, boy.
- Ant
Oct 13, 2010
Motivation and Satisfaction (No. 2)
It seems I'm getting back to my Blog at the wrong time. I got Senior Project shit to complete, and I got the life I used to know, as it seems. But this Blog post is on exactly that, if you can notice.
SENIOR YEAR
... my head is only thinking about Senior Prj... and it's interesting, because, despite what every former-Senior I know has stressed over their year... the Senior Project really isn't so hard (so far). Just need a load of time. And I mean it. That's honestly all you need. Because these guys are expecting you to do this entire year-long research project... as well as carry on the class status of a Senior. And even if you tossed out the Senior Project, this school year... is really terrible to alot of us.
If you are reading this, and I'll assume it's a Panther, we're more than aware that almost one-by-one a student from our school is disappearing. As far as I'm aware (for the school), it began with Nick Hartfield, then it continued with the passing of Chad Williams, then this week with Vergil King.
Now, I don't know these people, and for the majority of my schooling, I never personally knew any of the students that have died throughout the school career that I've gone through. But what I can relate to, in a small way, is the disappearance of people, as in going to another school or state. This I know all too well, and it has really ruined my Senior year.
Most of the people I can mention who have actually gone to another school or state or whichever, or graduated, makes me feel smaller in a big place. Not weaker. Smaller. More alone, despite those I still have. The closest of friends I have/have had, especially since this is the longest time I've been in one school or one state (my dad's in the Army; I've never had life-long friends), it's as if God is picking them off one-by-one and sending them somewhere else. Facebook doesn't cut it.
Fortunately, I have met some more newer people, as well. Brandt, Jessica, Lindsey, these chaps I hang out with in a tranquil location behind the band room during lunch, have made it infinitely more bearable to be constantely reminded by myself that others are not here with me. Not to leave out Suhail Ziadeh; he and his clan, as well, have made this year alot more enjoyable. And this clan specifically made it alot more fun to budge against our new administration that is annoyingly limiting our options of having a good year here at Lakeside. I've never been more happier to wear a more extreme peace armband. I'm putting my own little revolution once more, even if it means doing it by myself...
And then there are those that have not left, but I am slowly. It's coming to an understanding that this year is all about me, me getting my hands on the diploma, me concluding a second life, all the while putting the life I enjoy on the side of the plate. Regardless of whoever are in my life this year, whoever I'll more than likely visit during college breaks, whoever I'll more than likely share my life with throughout the years... it's about me this time. And if they can't seem to comprehend that, or I can't comprehend with them, I'll slip away. Sure, I got a Facebook to do some chats or Wall posts here or there... but personally... meh, not as much as it used to be. I'm sorry if this sounds abit harsh, I'm probably not explaining it right... but it's something you're noticing. You don't see me hanging around the Yu-Gi-Oh table in the mornings that much anymore, and then some.
... as I always am, though, I'm just glad I'm not involved with a gal in this school... oh, but this is something I gotta talk about individually.
WOMEN
I'm procrastinating my note cards like hell right now, and there isn't much of a guessing game or essay to do over for this topic, so I'll make an ol' list with no coherence to anything.
- 80-90% of the girls here are preps. No.
- Those with the right personalities are either taken, too hard to get, have one too many annoying flaws, or something to just unappeal to me.
- Too busy to focus.
- I'm going to graduate, so what's the point right now? I'm leaving Augusta, and long-distance is a very testy idea to comprehend.
- I'm just so awesome at being single. I can have fun with girls around me, and not have a sort of moral conduct within myself.
- I'm in for a real and lengthy relationship when it's there and possible.
- Is it really that impossible to find a girl gamer? An attractive, and not taken, girl gamer? XD
- Does it involve money and attention more than just pure love now-a-days? If money and attention were women, we got a bunch of whores in our school.
- Being in a relationship, and still being able to be yourself?
- If you knew how many girls here are so easy...
But the one obvious note to take here, as secondly pointed out by Brandt,
- I'm a metaphorical slut. I have a very short attention-span for most of the girls I have taken an interest in. It's mostly because I never made a move, or I know I don't have a shot, etc... but taking in a different attraction and interest almost every one to two weeks... yeah, I am a slut.
Now, notice, I said "for most of the girls..." Notice that, because despite all the years I spent here in Georgia, there are some few who have never left my interest despite my slutness. And knowing more and more about them each time I can makes it more and more permanant. I guess it has to do with that, maybe; if she/he is more like you than you know, she/he 'll probably never leave your mind. Ever. However far and wide the distance is, you're still genuinely interested.
... wow, that is the most accurate description of what I've been trying to say over the years.
- Ant
SENIOR YEAR
... my head is only thinking about Senior Prj... and it's interesting, because, despite what every former-Senior I know has stressed over their year... the Senior Project really isn't so hard (so far). Just need a load of time. And I mean it. That's honestly all you need. Because these guys are expecting you to do this entire year-long research project... as well as carry on the class status of a Senior. And even if you tossed out the Senior Project, this school year... is really terrible to alot of us.
If you are reading this, and I'll assume it's a Panther, we're more than aware that almost one-by-one a student from our school is disappearing. As far as I'm aware (for the school), it began with Nick Hartfield, then it continued with the passing of Chad Williams, then this week with Vergil King.
Now, I don't know these people, and for the majority of my schooling, I never personally knew any of the students that have died throughout the school career that I've gone through. But what I can relate to, in a small way, is the disappearance of people, as in going to another school or state. This I know all too well, and it has really ruined my Senior year.
Most of the people I can mention who have actually gone to another school or state or whichever, or graduated, makes me feel smaller in a big place. Not weaker. Smaller. More alone, despite those I still have. The closest of friends I have/have had, especially since this is the longest time I've been in one school or one state (my dad's in the Army; I've never had life-long friends), it's as if God is picking them off one-by-one and sending them somewhere else. Facebook doesn't cut it.
Fortunately, I have met some more newer people, as well. Brandt, Jessica, Lindsey, these chaps I hang out with in a tranquil location behind the band room during lunch, have made it infinitely more bearable to be constantely reminded by myself that others are not here with me. Not to leave out Suhail Ziadeh; he and his clan, as well, have made this year alot more enjoyable. And this clan specifically made it alot more fun to budge against our new administration that is annoyingly limiting our options of having a good year here at Lakeside. I've never been more happier to wear a more extreme peace armband. I'm putting my own little revolution once more, even if it means doing it by myself...
And then there are those that have not left, but I am slowly. It's coming to an understanding that this year is all about me, me getting my hands on the diploma, me concluding a second life, all the while putting the life I enjoy on the side of the plate. Regardless of whoever are in my life this year, whoever I'll more than likely visit during college breaks, whoever I'll more than likely share my life with throughout the years... it's about me this time. And if they can't seem to comprehend that, or I can't comprehend with them, I'll slip away. Sure, I got a Facebook to do some chats or Wall posts here or there... but personally... meh, not as much as it used to be. I'm sorry if this sounds abit harsh, I'm probably not explaining it right... but it's something you're noticing. You don't see me hanging around the Yu-Gi-Oh table in the mornings that much anymore, and then some.
... as I always am, though, I'm just glad I'm not involved with a gal in this school... oh, but this is something I gotta talk about individually.
WOMEN
I'm procrastinating my note cards like hell right now, and there isn't much of a guessing game or essay to do over for this topic, so I'll make an ol' list with no coherence to anything.
- 80-90% of the girls here are preps. No.
- Those with the right personalities are either taken, too hard to get, have one too many annoying flaws, or something to just unappeal to me.
- Too busy to focus.
- I'm going to graduate, so what's the point right now? I'm leaving Augusta, and long-distance is a very testy idea to comprehend.
- I'm just so awesome at being single. I can have fun with girls around me, and not have a sort of moral conduct within myself.
- I'm in for a real and lengthy relationship when it's there and possible.
- Is it really that impossible to find a girl gamer? An attractive, and not taken, girl gamer? XD
- Does it involve money and attention more than just pure love now-a-days? If money and attention were women, we got a bunch of whores in our school.
- Being in a relationship, and still being able to be yourself?
- If you knew how many girls here are so easy...
But the one obvious note to take here, as secondly pointed out by Brandt,
- I'm a metaphorical slut. I have a very short attention-span for most of the girls I have taken an interest in. It's mostly because I never made a move, or I know I don't have a shot, etc... but taking in a different attraction and interest almost every one to two weeks... yeah, I am a slut.
Now, notice, I said "for most of the girls..." Notice that, because despite all the years I spent here in Georgia, there are some few who have never left my interest despite my slutness. And knowing more and more about them each time I can makes it more and more permanant. I guess it has to do with that, maybe; if she/he is more like you than you know, she/he 'll probably never leave your mind. Ever. However far and wide the distance is, you're still genuinely interested.
... wow, that is the most accurate description of what I've been trying to say over the years.
- Ant
If you thought Gary Jule's "Mad World" was depressing...
... then you haven't heard anything like I have. Leonard Cohen's "So Long, Marianne" has been going in loops on my PSP since I downloaded it (uh oh...) some two days ago. And now I feel so depressed and moody for almost no reason, and may explain my last post. Like I've stressed before, I'm a happy guy, my life is awesome, but...
My life sucks!
- Ant (notice new signature)
My life sucks!
- Ant (notice new signature)
... ugh...
...r'uuuuggghh...
I hate being a Senior. The Senior privaleges thing is a lie, too many Seniors here are sadly passing away before ourselves, the school is becoming more stricter and Catholic than ever, one of our own administrators had to cancel a main event at our last Pep Rally because we were going to throw hardballs at underclassmen who deserve it, I'm becoming more distant with other people and finding my own little places of solitude, our school competition play isn't really that up there for an award-winning One Act play, all the women in our school only hold so much interest in me for so long, there's drama everywhere, getting into SCAD Savannah costs a mind-blowing amount of money that I probably won't be able to get in
... and I then there's the Senior Project. I got note cards to do right now. But I can't, because I got limitations on sources to only get, maybe, 9 cards out of 25 total, by Thursday.
... and there are TOO many fackin' deadlines on papers and shit that staying through the late hours and straight 'til morning is becoming a habit. I don't even have time to go to movies anymore, or probably the October Fest and Boshears Skyfest... or even email my grandmother! ... and then there's my parents and friends bitching about how I'm not hanging out with them as much anymore because I'm just too busy for my own good. I should be lucky. I mean, I made it this far with 4 As, and maybe a B and a C, I dunno... but not getting out of Trigonometry in time would've threatened my graduation completely. I should be fucking lucky. And I got some teachers here depending on me to do this and that, make a radio intro for a school radio podcast nobody listens to, and college research and powerpoints, and this and that in Drama II, and...
For fuck's sake, everyone, just give me some fucking time!
I need me back. He's off in Eagles Nest, Minnesota and he's skinny-dipping with some Donovan or Kinks tracks playing on the record player or stereo. Little basterd.
- Ant
Oh, and another thing: Mr. Shouse, my 1st period teacher: 1) I'm typing this blogpost at my house on my own laptop, so there shouldn't be any "bad cop" ordeals going about, and 2) I'm having Economics next year for 1st period, but I'd still be interested in doing radio anchor.
Yeah, teachers here apparently look at my Blogger. Embarrassing? Not really. Awesome? Depends on the person reading...
I hate being a Senior. The Senior privaleges thing is a lie, too many Seniors here are sadly passing away before ourselves, the school is becoming more stricter and Catholic than ever, one of our own administrators had to cancel a main event at our last Pep Rally because we were going to throw hardballs at underclassmen who deserve it, I'm becoming more distant with other people and finding my own little places of solitude, our school competition play isn't really that up there for an award-winning One Act play, all the women in our school only hold so much interest in me for so long, there's drama everywhere, getting into SCAD Savannah costs a mind-blowing amount of money that I probably won't be able to get in
... and I then there's the Senior Project. I got note cards to do right now. But I can't, because I got limitations on sources to only get, maybe, 9 cards out of 25 total, by Thursday.
... and there are TOO many fackin' deadlines on papers and shit that staying through the late hours and straight 'til morning is becoming a habit. I don't even have time to go to movies anymore, or probably the October Fest and Boshears Skyfest... or even email my grandmother! ... and then there's my parents and friends bitching about how I'm not hanging out with them as much anymore because I'm just too busy for my own good. I should be lucky. I mean, I made it this far with 4 As, and maybe a B and a C, I dunno... but not getting out of Trigonometry in time would've threatened my graduation completely. I should be fucking lucky. And I got some teachers here depending on me to do this and that, make a radio intro for a school radio podcast nobody listens to, and college research and powerpoints, and this and that in Drama II, and...
For fuck's sake, everyone, just give me some fucking time!
I need me back. He's off in Eagles Nest, Minnesota and he's skinny-dipping with some Donovan or Kinks tracks playing on the record player or stereo. Little basterd.
- Ant
Oh, and another thing: Mr. Shouse, my 1st period teacher: 1) I'm typing this blogpost at my house on my own laptop, so there shouldn't be any "bad cop" ordeals going about, and 2) I'm having Economics next year for 1st period, but I'd still be interested in doing radio anchor.
Yeah, teachers here apparently look at my Blogger. Embarrassing? Not really. Awesome? Depends on the person reading...
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