Dec 24, 2010
Dec 21, 2010
Jerry Springer is on, yet I blog it out...
- Last night, the total winter solstice took place above our house. But it was too cold outside, I was warm inside my house, and people kept getting me into cop shoot-outs in Free Mode from Grand Theft Auto IV online. I missed a winter solstice over 300 years in the making, because I was too lazy and I was playing video games. This should, without a doubt, tell you alot about me.
- I want a girlfriend, but I fear I wouldn't be a good enough boyfriend. But I don't have any experience, so I can't judge that well-enough. But I feel in my heart I would be, if I found the right girlfriend. But then there's the struggle. Something where both parties can feel right with each other. Then there's me, where I can't trust myself with a long-term relationship if it is a good one that can last. If I know it doesn't last, then that's really why I don't do it. And that's really why I haven't been in one in ever. If there's nothing that can keep it going, then don't go in the first place... so it seems to me. Substance. If I can find that in her, I'm home. If she can find that in me, then I'm in heaven.
- Ooh, Jerry Springer is on. Ah, a show, reality or not, where I feel like a man, and not a guy. A guy too stupid or amateur to get on live television to solve my problems. But a man, who sees it from the sidelines, and knows where his life is at and is going. It feels good, ya know.
Ouch... well, she's not wearing a wig, at least.
- I need a webcam. My life would probably be infinitely more connected if I had one. Oh, well.
- Ant
- I want a girlfriend, but I fear I wouldn't be a good enough boyfriend. But I don't have any experience, so I can't judge that well-enough. But I feel in my heart I would be, if I found the right girlfriend. But then there's the struggle. Something where both parties can feel right with each other. Then there's me, where I can't trust myself with a long-term relationship if it is a good one that can last. If I know it doesn't last, then that's really why I don't do it. And that's really why I haven't been in one in ever. If there's nothing that can keep it going, then don't go in the first place... so it seems to me. Substance. If I can find that in her, I'm home. If she can find that in me, then I'm in heaven.
- Ooh, Jerry Springer is on. Ah, a show, reality or not, where I feel like a man, and not a guy. A guy too stupid or amateur to get on live television to solve my problems. But a man, who sees it from the sidelines, and knows where his life is at and is going. It feels good, ya know.
Ouch... well, she's not wearing a wig, at least.
- I need a webcam. My life would probably be infinitely more connected if I had one. Oh, well.
- Ant
Dec 17, 2010
2, 3, and 4 in the A.M.
2:33am
Does anyone ever read this crap? I wonder.
I honestly don't know what to write. I mean, it's 2:33 in the school morning. I took my one exam (thank God for Senior privileges, or lack there of) already-
Oh look! Brian Whitfield is on AIM/Facebook right now! And he IMed me! And he tells me he honestly has absolutely no idea where my God of War is. The game he's been borrowing from me for almost 3 years, now. Little jerk... yeah, he's a college student, but he's still little to me. That's how far we go.
I never had lifelong friends. Dad being in the military, we've stayed in one spot after another for about 3-4 years each; 4 years in Puerto Rico, 3 years in Texas, and us here in Georgia the longest, at about 6 years. I think this one is for good. I hope. Jesus...
"dude! you and me should totallly go see tron together"
Sounds like a plan. I mean, I was about to write a meaningless blog entry, but God decided to let things go my way for abit and have an old friend IM me. Alright. Seeing as how we haven't hanged in years, my dad admires the guy (I think), and hey, fucking day off, why not?
This month has been interesting. That's really all I can say; I'm having a conversation, I'm listening to "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE" all over again... yeah, I can't really think right now.
15 minutes later...
Daft Punk, and suits to see Harry Potter.
Yeah, I hope tomorrow is a good day. If not... at least it was a day. Good morning.
- Ant
Does anyone ever read this crap? I wonder.
I honestly don't know what to write. I mean, it's 2:33 in the school morning. I took my one exam (thank God for Senior privileges, or lack there of) already-
Oh look! Brian Whitfield is on AIM/Facebook right now! And he IMed me! And he tells me he honestly has absolutely no idea where my God of War is. The game he's been borrowing from me for almost 3 years, now. Little jerk... yeah, he's a college student, but he's still little to me. That's how far we go.
I never had lifelong friends. Dad being in the military, we've stayed in one spot after another for about 3-4 years each; 4 years in Puerto Rico, 3 years in Texas, and us here in Georgia the longest, at about 6 years. I think this one is for good. I hope. Jesus...
"dude! you and me should totallly go see tron together"
Sounds like a plan. I mean, I was about to write a meaningless blog entry, but God decided to let things go my way for abit and have an old friend IM me. Alright. Seeing as how we haven't hanged in years, my dad admires the guy (I think), and hey, fucking day off, why not?
This month has been interesting. That's really all I can say; I'm having a conversation, I'm listening to "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE" all over again... yeah, I can't really think right now.
15 minutes later...
Daft Punk, and suits to see Harry Potter.
Yeah, I hope tomorrow is a good day. If not... at least it was a day. Good morning.
- Ant
Dec 9, 2010
It's The Holidays
If you’ve ever read this blog, you should know that I’m not religious. At all. Because like politics, I’ll still be wrong. I choose Christianity, I’m wrong. I choose Judaism, I’m wrong. I choose Islam, I’m wrong... but I still want to show my respect for calling Christmas “Christmas”. And I’m such a grammar perfectionist, that it doesn’t matter, anyway.
I’m getting older. I’m almost 18. I got a feeling this has to do with my more humble, not even humble, feelings for what I want for Christmas this year. I mean, last year was an exception, as being a natural gamer, all I wanted was a Playstation 3, and I’m set for life. And I got it. And I am set. So... now what?
Maybe LittleBigPlanet PSP, or Gran Turismo 5? A mic for my online involvement on the Playstation Network? Meh, Gran Turismo 5 would be nice. But it’s nothing of importance. I mean, these are just things. It’d be nice, but I’d still have to focus on other more important things.
This Christmas break has me working on my Senior Project, bulking up, getting a few things that I actually need... that’s just about it. Maybe I’m getting more lazy and boring than ever, or maybe I’m learning to live with myself? ...
I feel as we grow older, we better differentiate our needs and wants, to what is necessarily possible, and what is either possible or impossible:
NEEDS
- Eggnog.
- Apply to colleges.
- Update accounts online.
- A job.
- Either a better mattress, or move to the guestroom bed, where softness and dusty cockroaches await me.
- Finish this Senior Project.
- Bulk up.
- Better organization for my return second semester, and future events and life.
- This marijuana legalization support wristband from up in Canada.
- College money.
- A good camera (Sony Cybershot camera, preferred)
- Sleep, and someone to rest with on this bed with.
- Reach level 53 on Uncharted 2 multiplayer.
- Better clothes.
- Time to relax and write on my blog more efficiently.
WANTS
- Eggnog
- Sony Cybershot camera
- GT5
- Joe Danger from the PSN
- LBP for PSP
- The *new* Sony Ericcson Z1 PSP/phone hybrid thing that won’t lose rumor heat anytime soon.
- Sleep, and someone to rest on this bed with.
Some of the needs on the list are not really possible (yet), but that’s me, and that’s a different story. And as for the wants, it’s just material. Not the last one, I don’t necessarily want a material girl on my bed, but that’s also a different story, too. So... what do I want for Christmas this year, realistically and money-wise?
I can single a lot of the wants out, not because of realism or money, but attention of interest.
...
Meh... getting the wristband would be a big plus for me.
We better differentiate our needs and wants, from where you’re the infant who will take whatever your hands can get to,‘til you become my dad, where you just don’t want to spend any money at all and you loathe hearing a word having to do with the holidays except a bonus from government field he works at. A bonus he won’t get because of politics. Poor guy.
I honestly just don’t know, and more so don’t care. I’m satisfied with what I got. I feel that’s more important. Appreciate what I got. I got friends, family, wifi, eggnog, my wisdom teeth out, and most of all, I have my conscience to make myself a better person (good luck to me).
Ya know, for 17, I’ve really grown up, give or take.
- Ant
Dec 4, 2010
Wisdom from the teeth operation.
Then I got my blood drawn, which surprisingly didn't have me pass out. Then there was a mat over me. THEN they attached a needle that would relax me, for the sacrifice of feeling the most awful sensation on my crotch. Then another needle attachment for fluid. Then I saw got those small pulse tracking pad things on my chest and stomach, had my blood pressure taken every 5 minutes... I was scared ****less.
"My blood pressure kept going from 70 to 99. I was so freaking nervous, it's not even funny. They got the the sleeping drug on me, which didn't fully work. I was almost sleepy, I had my imagination and dreams flowing around me while they put maybe 5-10 shots of anesthetic in my mouth.
And I remember about 4 people at my face, heard a faint of words from them, and the thing that I remember is "Ow."-"Yeah, see. It's alright."- "... yeah... my balls hurt.", and the students laughed their butt off. And I could somewhat feel the pulling of the teeth, "Alright, it's out." And I remember drowsily saying "Got it?", and someone saying "Got one. Almost done here." and "Almost done" constantly as I kept drowsing away.
Eventually I woke up, not feeling a hint of pain, but my lip full of anesthetic. And it still is. And constatnly asking what time it was, even when I kept looking at the clock to my right. And my legs felt like they road around the neighborhood on the bike, like I usually do on a Friday afternoon. And I was still drowsy, up until we got home."
- Facebook message to my dad
What a difference one night can make. These stitches are annoying me, my back gum areas are in razor pain, the prescribed aspirin doesn't help, I can hardly talk, and this pudding is delicious.
- Ant
Dec 1, 2010
Nov 28, 2010
Ant's Complications
Having a laptop on my... lap..., looping Aaron Neville's "Tell It Like It Is" through Grooveshark with my nude and wet self laying in the bathtub after a shower is, generally-speaking, pretty fucking dangerous. But I'm saving my appetite like a boss for this Thanksgiving dinner, which is making me weak and depressed, so frankly I don't care at the moment.
And anyway, our Thanksgivings are always chaos and yelling, constant yelling, so it's depressing still. That's not my unfed conscience typing; this has happened every Thanksgiving of every year for the majority of my life. But aside that depression I'm having because I haven't eaten anything in hours, I feel like shit. Again. I haven't done what I wanted to do this entire break because we're cleaning a house for a family that isn't even coming over for Thanksgiving in this house. I hardly worked out like I wanted to, I didn't ride my bike around Washington Rd. like I do, I didn't do any of my homework... see, here's me complaining: running down a list of things for me to be unhappy with. I can never run down a list of things I am happy about, not because it's impossible, but because... I'm such an optimist for that? Christ, I dunno.
I'll probably edit this once I had my ass full of turturkeykey (HIMYM-reference to you all), but I feel like running down a list of my own complications. This may just end up as a fraction of that list; I can't name them all, some I don't even know yet. I'm a guy. I have feelings. That isn't good... to alot of you. But for me, it's serious. Does that even make sense?
SELF-EXPECTATIONS
Here's what I want to be when I grow up, Mrs. Kirby. I want to get the fuck out of Georgia (or move to Savannah), live in a beautiful and big loft apartment in the middle of Manhattan, make a living as both a theatre actor (or film actor) on Broadway, and as a video game artist designer for big title video game industries, get married to the most wonderful gal I've met yet never met, and be a peace revolutionary on the side, with marijuana being legal in all states, and make a billion bucks to support myself, my gaming needs, the apartment needs, my life needs, my parent's needs, and a boat plane to fly myself to the most magical lakehouse in Ely, Minnesota whenever, so I can have hangouts with my hippie hipster friends with alot of oldies music. And when I fly back to my loft apartment, I arrive to see my friends share my apartment whenever, and look around, and think, "This is awesome".
It's that easy to list! So why the fuck can't I fucking do it?
America, and me.
[out of bathtub, and in towel in bedroom]
I blame America firstly, of course, but then I blame myself for having such high dreams. Look where I am? I don't have a job, I don't have my permit, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to iron clothes, I don't have a bank account, I don't even know this money terminology. Does 17 seem too young? Yes or no, it's still something I have to overcome! I honestly feel like the laziest person in my generation of my family line! My brother goes to Columbia in NYC, my sister goes to Yale, I play video games and eat Pocky with eggnog on holidays... that sensation of unaccomplishment. It's not that I feel like a failure, it just alludes me alot that I'm not the one being successful.
Surprisingly, I had a great conversation with said brother, whom it seems like I haven't spoken to in years, and for someone who stressed to me so much about religion, and staying focused for an incredible academic future and bright later life... tells me to relax and let things happen. He's my brother, so it may sound different to you, but this surprised me completely inside. My pious and academically epic brother, telling me to let things play out like nothing, or so it feels. As if a part of him clunked out [no Lupus pun intended], and has become... well, laid back. Not like me, but laid back in general? Am I doing the right things to get where I am? Obviously not, but things change with me. Me and my brother are flexible guys, it's in our blood.
I'm only grasping the fact that I'm not realistic. I have such high expectations and hopes for myself, so high, that I would want to show these people what I've become: a known success. My friend who works a sad life here or there, yeah, I want to show this person that I'm better than him somehow. That little itch from my expectations, to prove to someone that I'm living my life accordingly. But how can that happen when I haven't taken initiative? Will I ever?
Will I ever achieve my dreams? Is that even possible anymore? Can I break that barrier, and live the dream my Four Fathers promised me some 217 years ago? Am I thinking too hard on this?
Absolutely.
PESSIMISM OR OPTIMISM? HMM...
I got a bunch of mentally-insane friends. We all do. You may not even know it, but ya do. Yes, they're our friends, we have things in common, we share things, we love them and protect 'em... but they're fucking clinically insane. And it's annoying when they deny they are when I point it out. And I'm (un)lucky to have many of them. What's amazing is that they're good at hiding their insanity. I dunno, I find that amazing. But when I "see" their insanity (which I see quite naturally), I sometimes feel like one of the only humble persons I know. But then why am I so alone? Why do I feel so alone? And I'm not saying that as if I'm a smartass who knows everything and that, but... I honestly don't have much. I got a loving family, I got some things in life to look up to, I got some "normal" friends...
Maybe I'm just not grateful enough.
Most of my mental/mentally stupid friends make up about 80%, I'm guessing. I sometimes wish I could avoid some of these people, but it's hard because, you know, they're your friends. Some surprise me. You may think he/she is an optimistic Bob, but deep down inside, you realize the chaos and sadness they hold inside. And through that chaos, a cycle of life evolves. This insane person helping another insane person, shit happens... it's like a tragically stupid love story. And I sit on the sidelines, and watch it all. I'll feel upset that I'm not involved with anybody or anything like it, but I'd be happy that at least I feel comfortable with myself.
MY IMAGINATION WHOM YOU'VE NEVER MET
I can add "be a filmmaker or animator" to that list of what I want to do with myself. Drawing is a medium to my imagination, but it isn't enough because I'm not that skilled enough to near-accurately portray my ideas on paper. My brain... oh, crap. It may not be a gem like Einstein's or Hitler's (sure he was evil, but smart), but what it lakes in actual intelligence, it makes up for with... well, to you it's probably nothing impressive, but to me... light shooting through walls, LEGO bricks flying all over the place, explosions made of glass, women in lingerie made of rose pedals, there's no way I can actually tell you all, I can't even think right now! It never ends! Moods, music, conversations, anything can shoot up my mind. It can be something different, everytime.
And if you ever saw it in film, I think you'd see it Oscar-worthy. Or you may think it's crap that cost a lot of money. Hell, both. But I want people to see it. I'm aching for a visual mind-reading display machine thing that can visually show people what goes on in my mind, because I would be ecstatic. Not even ecstatic. I would have accomplished something with myself:
I'd be forever happy, to know that someone visually saw what I can imagine for the first time.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLAN
Right now, it is 3:59pm on the 28th of November. I think this is the day my grandfather died 2 years ago. Whenever somebody dies, anybody, from anywhere, dies... I ask myself why. Why are people dying alot these days? Why do people we know and care about die, at a young or old age? Are you trying to make me feel unhappy, God? Is this a game where I'm the toy, God? Why do these things that make me feel happy keep vanishing? My grandfather, who was proud to call me his grandson, dies from leukemia? A month after he made a full recovery? My best friend, Suhail, leaves to Texas. We can't have a good Thanksgiving. I miss the best deal on Black Friday. I work with the laziest people in my school radio team. The most beautiful and most perfect girl I've ever known, whom matches on everything for the first time anywhere, is too far away, literally and mentally. I want to go to SCAD because it's as perfect as this girl, but it costs too much money.
Everything that I want, I can't have. Is this a pattern for something? For something big? For something better or worse? Am I the problem or solution? Whenever this issue comes to me, I think of the Rolling Stone's "You Can't Always Get What You Want". How do I know if this is what I want or need? How do I know if this is a part of the plan?
I'm not pious, and I dunno how I encorporate this to religion, but I believe in the plan. Not a God, a plan. A key to the rest of your life. I'm only young, so maybe the plan is unfolding as I type this, and my future is laid out to me like paper. When I think of this, I see a chart diagram. The first box, at the top, is my current state. And from that box, it expands wildly to different boxes, different outcomes. And from that outcome, another outcome, etc... until it maybe stops. Or it may never stop. For me, it stops to that American dream I mentioned. But when, or if, I get to that point where I say "I'm satisfied with my life.", I can't close the book I have to go on with myself, and see if this plan continues, to where it may all fall apart in the end, and I have to start over? I dunno.
It's better not to know, too.
Let things happen, let this happen, let me wake up on weekdays to my routine from 6:15 in the morning, to 12:30 midnight. It's a routine, but it could be a part of the plan. The thing about the plan is that you can't think about it. Just let things flow. I wanted to be a computer engineer years back. Now I want to be a video game artist. And I feel right in this world to think that, to think that I can make a living doing art for something I love. But it's bound to change, maybe.
To something better? I will never know.
...
What is wrong with me, I'll probably never know for the sake of my life. But I guess that makes me a part with everybody else.
- Ant
And anyway, our Thanksgivings are always chaos and yelling, constant yelling, so it's depressing still. That's not my unfed conscience typing; this has happened every Thanksgiving of every year for the majority of my life. But aside that depression I'm having because I haven't eaten anything in hours, I feel like shit. Again. I haven't done what I wanted to do this entire break because we're cleaning a house for a family that isn't even coming over for Thanksgiving in this house. I hardly worked out like I wanted to, I didn't ride my bike around Washington Rd. like I do, I didn't do any of my homework... see, here's me complaining: running down a list of things for me to be unhappy with. I can never run down a list of things I am happy about, not because it's impossible, but because... I'm such an optimist for that? Christ, I dunno.
I'll probably edit this once I had my ass full of turturkeykey (HIMYM-reference to you all), but I feel like running down a list of my own complications. This may just end up as a fraction of that list; I can't name them all, some I don't even know yet. I'm a guy. I have feelings. That isn't good... to alot of you. But for me, it's serious. Does that even make sense?
SELF-EXPECTATIONS
Here's what I want to be when I grow up, Mrs. Kirby. I want to get the fuck out of Georgia (or move to Savannah), live in a beautiful and big loft apartment in the middle of Manhattan, make a living as both a theatre actor (or film actor) on Broadway, and as a video game artist designer for big title video game industries, get married to the most wonderful gal I've met yet never met, and be a peace revolutionary on the side, with marijuana being legal in all states, and make a billion bucks to support myself, my gaming needs, the apartment needs, my life needs, my parent's needs, and a boat plane to fly myself to the most magical lakehouse in Ely, Minnesota whenever, so I can have hangouts with my hippie hipster friends with alot of oldies music. And when I fly back to my loft apartment, I arrive to see my friends share my apartment whenever, and look around, and think, "This is awesome".
It's that easy to list! So why the fuck can't I fucking do it?
America, and me.
[out of bathtub, and in towel in bedroom]
I blame America firstly, of course, but then I blame myself for having such high dreams. Look where I am? I don't have a job, I don't have my permit, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to iron clothes, I don't have a bank account, I don't even know this money terminology. Does 17 seem too young? Yes or no, it's still something I have to overcome! I honestly feel like the laziest person in my generation of my family line! My brother goes to Columbia in NYC, my sister goes to Yale, I play video games and eat Pocky with eggnog on holidays... that sensation of unaccomplishment. It's not that I feel like a failure, it just alludes me alot that I'm not the one being successful.
Surprisingly, I had a great conversation with said brother, whom it seems like I haven't spoken to in years, and for someone who stressed to me so much about religion, and staying focused for an incredible academic future and bright later life... tells me to relax and let things happen. He's my brother, so it may sound different to you, but this surprised me completely inside. My pious and academically epic brother, telling me to let things play out like nothing, or so it feels. As if a part of him clunked out [no Lupus pun intended], and has become... well, laid back. Not like me, but laid back in general? Am I doing the right things to get where I am? Obviously not, but things change with me. Me and my brother are flexible guys, it's in our blood.
I'm only grasping the fact that I'm not realistic. I have such high expectations and hopes for myself, so high, that I would want to show these people what I've become: a known success. My friend who works a sad life here or there, yeah, I want to show this person that I'm better than him somehow. That little itch from my expectations, to prove to someone that I'm living my life accordingly. But how can that happen when I haven't taken initiative? Will I ever?
Will I ever achieve my dreams? Is that even possible anymore? Can I break that barrier, and live the dream my Four Fathers promised me some 217 years ago? Am I thinking too hard on this?
Absolutely.
PESSIMISM OR OPTIMISM? HMM...
I got a bunch of mentally-insane friends. We all do. You may not even know it, but ya do. Yes, they're our friends, we have things in common, we share things, we love them and protect 'em... but they're fucking clinically insane. And it's annoying when they deny they are when I point it out. And I'm (un)lucky to have many of them. What's amazing is that they're good at hiding their insanity. I dunno, I find that amazing. But when I "see" their insanity (which I see quite naturally), I sometimes feel like one of the only humble persons I know. But then why am I so alone? Why do I feel so alone? And I'm not saying that as if I'm a smartass who knows everything and that, but... I honestly don't have much. I got a loving family, I got some things in life to look up to, I got some "normal" friends...
Maybe I'm just not grateful enough.
Most of my mental/mentally stupid friends make up about 80%, I'm guessing. I sometimes wish I could avoid some of these people, but it's hard because, you know, they're your friends. Some surprise me. You may think he/she is an optimistic Bob, but deep down inside, you realize the chaos and sadness they hold inside. And through that chaos, a cycle of life evolves. This insane person helping another insane person, shit happens... it's like a tragically stupid love story. And I sit on the sidelines, and watch it all. I'll feel upset that I'm not involved with anybody or anything like it, but I'd be happy that at least I feel comfortable with myself.
MY IMAGINATION WHOM YOU'VE NEVER MET
I can add "be a filmmaker or animator" to that list of what I want to do with myself. Drawing is a medium to my imagination, but it isn't enough because I'm not that skilled enough to near-accurately portray my ideas on paper. My brain... oh, crap. It may not be a gem like Einstein's or Hitler's (sure he was evil, but smart), but what it lakes in actual intelligence, it makes up for with... well, to you it's probably nothing impressive, but to me... light shooting through walls, LEGO bricks flying all over the place, explosions made of glass, women in lingerie made of rose pedals, there's no way I can actually tell you all, I can't even think right now! It never ends! Moods, music, conversations, anything can shoot up my mind. It can be something different, everytime.
And if you ever saw it in film, I think you'd see it Oscar-worthy. Or you may think it's crap that cost a lot of money. Hell, both. But I want people to see it. I'm aching for a visual mind-reading display machine thing that can visually show people what goes on in my mind, because I would be ecstatic. Not even ecstatic. I would have accomplished something with myself:
I'd be forever happy, to know that someone visually saw what I can imagine for the first time.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLAN
Right now, it is 3:59pm on the 28th of November. I think this is the day my grandfather died 2 years ago. Whenever somebody dies, anybody, from anywhere, dies... I ask myself why. Why are people dying alot these days? Why do people we know and care about die, at a young or old age? Are you trying to make me feel unhappy, God? Is this a game where I'm the toy, God? Why do these things that make me feel happy keep vanishing? My grandfather, who was proud to call me his grandson, dies from leukemia? A month after he made a full recovery? My best friend, Suhail, leaves to Texas. We can't have a good Thanksgiving. I miss the best deal on Black Friday. I work with the laziest people in my school radio team. The most beautiful and most perfect girl I've ever known, whom matches on everything for the first time anywhere, is too far away, literally and mentally. I want to go to SCAD because it's as perfect as this girl, but it costs too much money.
Everything that I want, I can't have. Is this a pattern for something? For something big? For something better or worse? Am I the problem or solution? Whenever this issue comes to me, I think of the Rolling Stone's "You Can't Always Get What You Want". How do I know if this is what I want or need? How do I know if this is a part of the plan?
I'm not pious, and I dunno how I encorporate this to religion, but I believe in the plan. Not a God, a plan. A key to the rest of your life. I'm only young, so maybe the plan is unfolding as I type this, and my future is laid out to me like paper. When I think of this, I see a chart diagram. The first box, at the top, is my current state. And from that box, it expands wildly to different boxes, different outcomes. And from that outcome, another outcome, etc... until it maybe stops. Or it may never stop. For me, it stops to that American dream I mentioned. But when, or if, I get to that point where I say "I'm satisfied with my life.", I can't close the book I have to go on with myself, and see if this plan continues, to where it may all fall apart in the end, and I have to start over? I dunno.
It's better not to know, too.
Let things happen, let this happen, let me wake up on weekdays to my routine from 6:15 in the morning, to 12:30 midnight. It's a routine, but it could be a part of the plan. The thing about the plan is that you can't think about it. Just let things flow. I wanted to be a computer engineer years back. Now I want to be a video game artist. And I feel right in this world to think that, to think that I can make a living doing art for something I love. But it's bound to change, maybe.
To something better? I will never know.
...
What is wrong with me, I'll probably never know for the sake of my life. But I guess that makes me a part with everybody else.
- Ant
Nov 22, 2010
Nov 21, 2010
Something serious... (CONT: In the middle of Java...)
Jesus, I'm gonna get shot in the foot someday for putting off my homework for some Grand Theft Auto IV right after school. I'm not even kidding; I'll probably end up as a poor and hopeless immigrant who has to work his way up with a gun.
Anyway, I don't fully remember what I wrote about yesterday, and I'm too lazy to go back and check. It's Thanksgiving break, I'll be too worried about bulking up and officially starting "Operation Grow-A-Fucking-Beard-Already-You're-Seventeen (GAFBAYS), and complete those two for Black Friday, where I'll hopefully buy my Killzone 2 and the God of War Collection for my Playstation 3 for the price of a Hamilton.
It's one of those phases where it's like I want to write like Shakespeare one moment, then laze around like a skinny, white asian boy with no energy or motivation. It's what makes us human, yes...
But I hate phases in life. I mean, if it weren't for phases, we'd probably be dead, but... I think I'm applying "phases" to more basic issues. And by basic, I mean relationships and egos... being a fucking teenager. Here we go with my ranting...
11/21- Actually, no, no ranting... finishing this up now, I think I'll just get to my point: I want something serious. A serious friendship, a serious relationship... and that's really about it. Everything else is chill.
WOW, good job getting your point across...
- Ant
Anyway, I don't fully remember what I wrote about yesterday, and I'm too lazy to go back and check. It's Thanksgiving break, I'll be too worried about bulking up and officially starting "Operation Grow-A-Fucking-Beard-Already-You're-Seventeen (GAFBAYS), and complete those two for Black Friday, where I'll hopefully buy my Killzone 2 and the God of War Collection for my Playstation 3 for the price of a Hamilton.
It's one of those phases where it's like I want to write like Shakespeare one moment, then laze around like a skinny, white asian boy with no energy or motivation. It's what makes us human, yes...
But I hate phases in life. I mean, if it weren't for phases, we'd probably be dead, but... I think I'm applying "phases" to more basic issues. And by basic, I mean relationships and egos... being a fucking teenager. Here we go with my ranting...
11/21- Actually, no, no ranting... finishing this up now, I think I'll just get to my point: I want something serious. A serious friendship, a serious relationship... and that's really about it. Everything else is chill.
WOW, good job getting your point across...
- Ant
Small world, you bastards...
- "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE"
- Applying for college scholarships
- Blogging
- Questioning women
- Why are almost all my friends mental cases?
I don't know why I'm posting what I'm doing and thinking on this, maybe it's an attempt for a... better... post. I honestly don't know what to write, or what to think, since I'm busy with SMiLE and scholarship crap. But at the same time, my mind is rushing with ideas and questions. Questions nobody can ever know how to answer because just about everybody doesn't know a dime about me.
Alright, I'm listening to SMiLE, 07) "Wonderful" through 10) "Surf's Up", I have in my head, the most incredible visualization of how this music, this album, can be played out in a film, and I mean a full-length feature film... about someone whom nobody understands, and has a beautiful mind and imagination... I wish I could say it was about me, but that'd be lying to myself... and I visualize it anyway everytime I hear it when I am outside. It's very beautiful. This album is very beautiful.
I can relate to Brian Wilson completely, at times. He had this incredible idea for an album in the 60s, but his group The Beach Boys didn't approve, and thought it was too fucked over tenfold to do, so they called it "Smile"... and it was okay, don't getme wrong... but that was it. Okay.
It wasn't a "Sgt. Pepper" killer. Not just that, it instead killed the Beach Boys. Brian Wilson left, got into a mental breakdown... then made "SMiLE".
"SMiLE", the "Smile" he wanted... and the "Sgt. Pepper" killer we've been waiting for to see if it was ever possible. Sure, Rolling Stones Magazine didn't say it, but I am: "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE" is the epitome of musical art, to me.
Now, I forgot, how does this guy relate to me? I got as many brilliant ideas, I'm sure we all do, yes, but we ourselves are the obstacles. After that statement, it is a fine line: those who can break that obstacle, like Brian did, or enclose themselves with these ideas and nobody will ever know about your genius. Making a blog for myself is a step-up, you have no idea. That was my obstacle: being heard, and being heard well and by at least a few people if possible.
And now I forgot why I called this post "Small world, thanks to you bastards" (UPDATE). I'm not yelling at anybody, but I'm still yelling at everybody. Everybody narrow, everybody boring, shitfaced, EVERYBODY-WHO-HAS-SOMETHING-TO-SAY:
Wake up!
- Ant
- Applying for college scholarships
- Blogging
- Questioning women
- Why are almost all my friends mental cases?
I don't know why I'm posting what I'm doing and thinking on this, maybe it's an attempt for a... better... post. I honestly don't know what to write, or what to think, since I'm busy with SMiLE and scholarship crap. But at the same time, my mind is rushing with ideas and questions. Questions nobody can ever know how to answer because just about everybody doesn't know a dime about me.
Alright, I'm listening to SMiLE, 07) "Wonderful" through 10) "Surf's Up", I have in my head, the most incredible visualization of how this music, this album, can be played out in a film, and I mean a full-length feature film... about someone whom nobody understands, and has a beautiful mind and imagination... I wish I could say it was about me, but that'd be lying to myself... and I visualize it anyway everytime I hear it when I am outside. It's very beautiful. This album is very beautiful.
I can relate to Brian Wilson completely, at times. He had this incredible idea for an album in the 60s, but his group The Beach Boys didn't approve, and thought it was too fucked over tenfold to do, so they called it "Smile"... and it was okay, don't getme wrong... but that was it. Okay.
It wasn't a "Sgt. Pepper" killer. Not just that, it instead killed the Beach Boys. Brian Wilson left, got into a mental breakdown... then made "SMiLE".
"SMiLE", the "Smile" he wanted... and the "Sgt. Pepper" killer we've been waiting for to see if it was ever possible. Sure, Rolling Stones Magazine didn't say it, but I am: "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE" is the epitome of musical art, to me.
Now, I forgot, how does this guy relate to me? I got as many brilliant ideas, I'm sure we all do, yes, but we ourselves are the obstacles. After that statement, it is a fine line: those who can break that obstacle, like Brian did, or enclose themselves with these ideas and nobody will ever know about your genius. Making a blog for myself is a step-up, you have no idea. That was my obstacle: being heard, and being heard well and by at least a few people if possible.
And now I forgot why I called this post "Small world, thanks to you bastards" (UPDATE). I'm not yelling at anybody, but I'm still yelling at everybody. Everybody narrow, everybody boring, shitfaced, EVERYBODY-WHO-HAS-SOMETHING-TO-SAY:
Wake up!
- Ant
Nov 17, 2010
In the middle of Java...
I think I'm more than aware about maybe the slightest number of people actually look at my blog. I don't care. If I wanna make an incredibly heavy and deep blogpost, and nobody reads it, I could care less. It's not about those who read it. It's mostly about me surviving by writing.
I'm a terrible writer. And me saying this is probably one of those personal instincts we all have (beautiful girls who think they're ugly, innocents who think they're failures, politicians who think they're right), but I admit I have coherences issues with my own posts; I want to have my posts make sense, even if it makes the basic point, anyway... see, right now, I'm thinking if that sentence has anything to do with anything.
I talk to a lot of people about putting thoughts into words. I'm surprised almost constantly how many of my friends have Bloggers or Tumblrs, even my own teachers. It's absolutely surprising, how someone who's so dull or so ecstatic, can have a deep statement made on a Tumblr page. Story of my life, maybe? I dunno.
Crap, I need to do this Java program. Yeah, I somehow make myself get into trouble with posting on Blogger in the middle of class, what with Mr. Shouse, and Mr. Riddick, maybe... but I can make an exception for someone like Mrs. Mckean. She deserves my work.
My motto: respect people that deserve it.
I'll recontinue this post eventually.
- Ant
I'm a terrible writer. And me saying this is probably one of those personal instincts we all have (beautiful girls who think they're ugly, innocents who think they're failures, politicians who think they're right), but I admit I have coherences issues with my own posts; I want to have my posts make sense, even if it makes the basic point, anyway... see, right now, I'm thinking if that sentence has anything to do with anything.
I talk to a lot of people about putting thoughts into words. I'm surprised almost constantly how many of my friends have Bloggers or Tumblrs, even my own teachers. It's absolutely surprising, how someone who's so dull or so ecstatic, can have a deep statement made on a Tumblr page. Story of my life, maybe? I dunno.
Crap, I need to do this Java program. Yeah, I somehow make myself get into trouble with posting on Blogger in the middle of class, what with Mr. Shouse, and Mr. Riddick, maybe... but I can make an exception for someone like Mrs. Mckean. She deserves my work.
My motto: respect people that deserve it.
I'll recontinue this post eventually.
- Ant
Nov 14, 2010
Nov 13, 2010
Nov 10, 2010
Nov 8, 2010
Nov 7, 2010
Moral and Creation
Over the 17 years of my life, there are just about two things that matter more than anything on this unhealthy and unholy earth, that make the difference to just about anything for surviving just about everything :
Money, and control
These two things are the very root to our failure as a humanity, and if you don't see a failure, then you obviously cannot see the big picture pretty well. What's more intimidating is that when these two words are actually not equaled together, you can incorporate money with a good ability of control. And how you can handle this ability of control, I've thought up through my own two things that make my world work for myself:
Moral, and creation
Both of these things have gotten me far in life, because it overall concurs with what makes me a better person. Moral, because a healthy conscience and morality makes the person, as does personality, so basically:
"morality = personality = character = survival"
Next to morality, another thing that can make someone is his/her ability to create; if you can't find the solution around you or through you, make it. This spurs the imagination, and imagination is another key to survival: making a life of your own; uniqueness. Incorporating that creation with morality, I think I'm in a good spot so far.
And thinking about all this now, having morality and creation can really make the difference this year so far. These past few months, things have really gone ape-shit with people in my school. And when I say 'ape-shit', I don't mean it to be a bad and evil thing, but a thoughtless paradox that nobody can get through, especially the autumn of 2010 so far.
Alot of my friends, in high school, most of them not even on their last year of high school, are getting married, getting prego, even considering getting implants. The start of October, engagement; just last night, engagement; in a few weeks, someone I hardly know is gonna be a father, at the age of 17; his little brothers, uncles; high schoolers, Seniors, just some 5 months of graduating and getting a high school diploma, and dropping out; rats and hypocrites every next day, over and over... if you know who you are in this post, then disregard this post, and understand that it is not I that is angry at you... but it is I who is completely confused, because all I can think to myself is whether ev-ry-bo-dy is going insane!
I mean, yeah, it's fucking high school, but still, is there no self-respect? Anymore? Anywhere at anytime at anyplace? There is almost no moral, when all that seems to matter is commercialism and propaganda. And the worst part? Oh yeah, the worst part: as far as it seems, we're not learning! Years of evolution and revolution, and here we are, still pathetic, still unprofessional, still lustful, and still angry.
Not just high school, dammit, but everywhere I look! The television, Exhibit A, going outside in the city, Exhibit B, and quite possibly, you, Exhibit C. Where's the fucking conscience! Will there ever be moral anymore? Can I sit here, and look around me, and see any good anymore? It's suicidal, at times, but what other option can I conjure? Fighting won't get you anywhere, because probably nobody will listen. And those who want to listen will make a cult, clique, and its people like me that meet with these cults either on terrible blogs like this one, or we just keep it in our heads for no one to fully understand... or beatniks and hipsters at Starbucks, who knows.
Nobody wants to hear what you have to say, because we probably got more important things to do, and what you say doesn't matter anyway because it won't make a difference to anyone anytime soon. And because of that, there is that itch within people like me to just roll with the punch, somewhat give up, give in, give down, and probably end up in the majority without knowing it. But then it'd be another statistic, the zombie statistic.
I can't express my inner thoughts to many people because they probably get it out of context and won't understand, and I don't talk to many people about my thoughts on my blog, because I'll just get laughed at for not having a life. I'm surprised I've made it this far without putting a watergun to my nostril. Now, am I calling myself smart? No. Am I calling myself alot better than you, the reader? Absolutely not; I'm keeping my morality. But am I telling you what you may or may not see? I'm sure attempting it, because someone has to, and someone has to know and listen.
You know that saying, "you can't have a good without a bad"? It can't be reversed to say "You can't have a bad without a good." Reverse the statement, and you'll just end up having the bad overpower the good with whatever power the bad has. That's as simple as I can make it. You can't have a good without a bad, then you'll just have a bad.
The good will go bad, because those two things I've noticed... money and control... however much denial you're gonna make, those two things will eventually take over, either temporarily or completely, and it'll be another statistic. This bad is everywhere, and its most common terms are now "greed" and "corruption"... "money" and "control"... and they are unavoidable wherever you turn, and the amateur and narrow will eventually succumb to it, until it becomes too much that you either die, die on the inside, or go to a rehab of some sort, somewhere.
Another thing to consider: those few who have managed to overcome all that I have posted, and have lived a good life for themselves and others... will too be brought down by the majority group: everyone else, at some point in your lives. Our world has somehow become those two political terms: the majority and minority. The majority: everyone else, and the minority, not everyone else. These few, the minority, like the cults, will more than likely live isolated; work, eat, sleep, and probably be isolated.
Here's my message to those who know are a part of the majority: you're not convincing anyone. Don't toy with people like me to think it could work. I think I know the most of the truth, and either way, I'll just sit or stand here, and laugh, knowing who is the more lost or overly-pathetic. FIND your morality, balance it, and spread it like fire; if you want to make the difference, CREATE that difference.
- Ant
Money, and control
These two things are the very root to our failure as a humanity, and if you don't see a failure, then you obviously cannot see the big picture pretty well. What's more intimidating is that when these two words are actually not equaled together, you can incorporate money with a good ability of control. And how you can handle this ability of control, I've thought up through my own two things that make my world work for myself:
Moral, and creation
Both of these things have gotten me far in life, because it overall concurs with what makes me a better person. Moral, because a healthy conscience and morality makes the person, as does personality, so basically:
"morality = personality = character = survival"
Next to morality, another thing that can make someone is his/her ability to create; if you can't find the solution around you or through you, make it. This spurs the imagination, and imagination is another key to survival: making a life of your own; uniqueness. Incorporating that creation with morality, I think I'm in a good spot so far.
And thinking about all this now, having morality and creation can really make the difference this year so far. These past few months, things have really gone ape-shit with people in my school. And when I say 'ape-shit', I don't mean it to be a bad and evil thing, but a thoughtless paradox that nobody can get through, especially the autumn of 2010 so far.
Alot of my friends, in high school, most of them not even on their last year of high school, are getting married, getting prego, even considering getting implants. The start of October, engagement; just last night, engagement; in a few weeks, someone I hardly know is gonna be a father, at the age of 17; his little brothers, uncles; high schoolers, Seniors, just some 5 months of graduating and getting a high school diploma, and dropping out; rats and hypocrites every next day, over and over... if you know who you are in this post, then disregard this post, and understand that it is not I that is angry at you... but it is I who is completely confused, because all I can think to myself is whether ev-ry-bo-dy is going insane!
I mean, yeah, it's fucking high school, but still, is there no self-respect? Anymore? Anywhere at anytime at anyplace? There is almost no moral, when all that seems to matter is commercialism and propaganda. And the worst part? Oh yeah, the worst part: as far as it seems, we're not learning! Years of evolution and revolution, and here we are, still pathetic, still unprofessional, still lustful, and still angry.
Not just high school, dammit, but everywhere I look! The television, Exhibit A, going outside in the city, Exhibit B, and quite possibly, you, Exhibit C. Where's the fucking conscience! Will there ever be moral anymore? Can I sit here, and look around me, and see any good anymore? It's suicidal, at times, but what other option can I conjure? Fighting won't get you anywhere, because probably nobody will listen. And those who want to listen will make a cult, clique, and its people like me that meet with these cults either on terrible blogs like this one, or we just keep it in our heads for no one to fully understand... or beatniks and hipsters at Starbucks, who knows.
Nobody wants to hear what you have to say, because we probably got more important things to do, and what you say doesn't matter anyway because it won't make a difference to anyone anytime soon. And because of that, there is that itch within people like me to just roll with the punch, somewhat give up, give in, give down, and probably end up in the majority without knowing it. But then it'd be another statistic, the zombie statistic.
I can't express my inner thoughts to many people because they probably get it out of context and won't understand, and I don't talk to many people about my thoughts on my blog, because I'll just get laughed at for not having a life. I'm surprised I've made it this far without putting a watergun to my nostril. Now, am I calling myself smart? No. Am I calling myself alot better than you, the reader? Absolutely not; I'm keeping my morality. But am I telling you what you may or may not see? I'm sure attempting it, because someone has to, and someone has to know and listen.
You know that saying, "you can't have a good without a bad"? It can't be reversed to say "You can't have a bad without a good." Reverse the statement, and you'll just end up having the bad overpower the good with whatever power the bad has. That's as simple as I can make it. You can't have a good without a bad, then you'll just have a bad.
The good will go bad, because those two things I've noticed... money and control... however much denial you're gonna make, those two things will eventually take over, either temporarily or completely, and it'll be another statistic. This bad is everywhere, and its most common terms are now "greed" and "corruption"... "money" and "control"... and they are unavoidable wherever you turn, and the amateur and narrow will eventually succumb to it, until it becomes too much that you either die, die on the inside, or go to a rehab of some sort, somewhere.
Another thing to consider: those few who have managed to overcome all that I have posted, and have lived a good life for themselves and others... will too be brought down by the majority group: everyone else, at some point in your lives. Our world has somehow become those two political terms: the majority and minority. The majority: everyone else, and the minority, not everyone else. These few, the minority, like the cults, will more than likely live isolated; work, eat, sleep, and probably be isolated.
Here's my message to those who know are a part of the majority: you're not convincing anyone. Don't toy with people like me to think it could work. I think I know the most of the truth, and either way, I'll just sit or stand here, and laugh, knowing who is the more lost or overly-pathetic. FIND your morality, balance it, and spread it like fire; if you want to make the difference, CREATE that difference.
- Ant
Nov 3, 2010
Nov 1, 2010
UPDATE:... in picture
OCTOBER
- ... what else is new?
- Finally gave into buying Grand Theft Auto IV
- I rock at Uncharted 2 multiplayer
- The 4th period Lakeside Theatre people win 4th place at One Acts
- Seeing as how I'm looked upon as the Altoid guy... I think it's my turn to have a little fun, with abit of deception... even though I uploaded this on Facebook and everyone knows about it (but hey, it's staying in my right cheek pocket, so I still win).
- Not shaving for all of November... hmm... by the start of December, it'd be back to square-one, if you know what I mean...
- Ant
Oct 18, 2010
UPDATE: ... update?
God, I love being single and hopeless! It's alot better than being rich and miserable. But I still suck either way. Awesome!
( ^ Too many statuses on Facebook ^ )
So, some people I blankly share my Blog to (really just one, though) have "encouraged" to bring up different ideas for my ANT'S INDEPENDENT REVOLUTION. I still haven't worked on my My IGN blog, which is a gaming blog for my gaming juices... and that's just about it. Gaming, and inner thought. That's all I can think of for any sort of writing worth clustering on a Word document and blindly putting together into a terribly-coherent Post.
Well... since I'm here, I suppose I can give a shot at avoiding topics such as: school, girls, college, future, drama, beauty, death, love, society... this is difficult because I can't avoid these, because it's only these topics that are a part of me for the next 8 months, and then some more after that...
Netflix? It got an update on my Playstation 3, and the results are wonderful. And THE best TV series ever thought up, 'Married... With Children', has almost all seasons up on the live library, thank God!-
BINGO!
I never touched on religion on here. Take that, Larry!
- Ant
( ^ Too many statuses on Facebook ^ )
So, some people I blankly share my Blog to (really just one, though) have "encouraged" to bring up different ideas for my ANT'S INDEPENDENT REVOLUTION. I still haven't worked on my My IGN blog, which is a gaming blog for my gaming juices... and that's just about it. Gaming, and inner thought. That's all I can think of for any sort of writing worth clustering on a Word document and blindly putting together into a terribly-coherent Post.
Well... since I'm here, I suppose I can give a shot at avoiding topics such as: school, girls, college, future, drama, beauty, death, love, society... this is difficult because I can't avoid these, because it's only these topics that are a part of me for the next 8 months, and then some more after that...
Netflix? It got an update on my Playstation 3, and the results are wonderful. And THE best TV series ever thought up, 'Married... With Children', has almost all seasons up on the live library, thank God!-
BINGO!
I never touched on religion on here. Take that, Larry!
- Ant
Oct 17, 2010
On beauty.
If there's one thing school has not taught me, and will probably ever "teach" anyone anytime, anywhere... it's American Beauty. Yes, I'm aware I've talked about this movie too many times on this Blog... but at the same time, I'm also aware you hardly ever look at my Blog in the first place, so we're even. The movie is a work of filmographic artwork, an important masterpiece of film... and it has nothing to do with the camera angles, the music, Kevin Spacey, and the symbolism (though they are all as incredible, especially the symbolism). It's the inner meaning of life. How life is a bitch when its in a cage, and you just don't have that umph to get out the cage, even though that cage has the key in the lock...
Until all you see and need is the motivation: A lover. Or a bitch of a lover. A unique young adult who smokes pot and has an eye for the visually-striking. The positive, or the negative. The thing that drives you, or the thing that drives you insane.
This movie was my motivation. That living the predictable isn't the way you'll live a "good life". That aiming high, beyond your dreams is a daunting task that'll require your patience and indifference. That we preconceive our ideas about things in life, without seeing the truth. And that truth would turn out to be something we never expected or considered for a moment.
And discovering the Rolling Stones through "Shine A Light". Yeah, that too.
I've mentioned this on a recent Blog entry, but during the start of the climax of my schooling (the end of middle school, the start of high school), my life was crap. I didn't know what to live for, not because I was emo, but.. what did I have to live for? I didn't understand what was right or wrong, what was acceptable and unacceptable to who, or who I wanted or needed to follow in the first place. And alot of these contributed to a narrow and bland life. It's my Senior year in high school now, and now people tell me that I'm an attention-whore for wearing Lennon shades, or shades in general, indoors; for wearing a peace armband that somehow represents a swastika; for attaching a box of mint/cinnamon Altoids on the strap of my one-strap bookbag; for wearing a suit at the start of the second semester; for having all my wrist crap on my wrist... it's high school. But I still tell them, and I still observe, "It's just me being me." And I genuinely enjoy life. I at least enjoy life at its most.
You can find beauty in all the wrong places, all the most random places. A sunset is a good example. A still lake? Two birds chasing each other for over two hours in the same part of the neighborhood? A damaged and abandoned room? Red roses? The blue sky that I can see for miles? Driving alone on the naked road? Almost all of this is naturalism, yes, but nevertheless, you need the eye for it. It's just the matter of letting go.
This may seem abit harsh, but (aside aspects you can't change at all; ex. cancer) I smile and laugh at people on the inside for being boring. Not just boring, but at the same time, being so full of shit (ex. 6yr olds playing COD multiplayer with the "heart" of a high rank, Justin Beiber). Not just that, I try to avoid it all together. Most of my friends aren't boring, and those that are boring have that charming charismatic tone that makes it entertaining to live. The people, even friends, I avoid, I try not to stress so much, but at the same time, it gets annoying having to deal with their problems over and over almost every weekday.
In the end, sometimes life is so fast and hectic, and filled with distractions, and sometimes you have to teach yourself to be still and be quiet and allow yourself to look for beauty. That's all I can teach you from what I've learned. And when you have the eye for it... oh, boy.
- Ant
Oct 13, 2010
Motivation and Satisfaction (No. 2)
It seems I'm getting back to my Blog at the wrong time. I got Senior Project shit to complete, and I got the life I used to know, as it seems. But this Blog post is on exactly that, if you can notice.
SENIOR YEAR
... my head is only thinking about Senior Prj... and it's interesting, because, despite what every former-Senior I know has stressed over their year... the Senior Project really isn't so hard (so far). Just need a load of time. And I mean it. That's honestly all you need. Because these guys are expecting you to do this entire year-long research project... as well as carry on the class status of a Senior. And even if you tossed out the Senior Project, this school year... is really terrible to alot of us.
If you are reading this, and I'll assume it's a Panther, we're more than aware that almost one-by-one a student from our school is disappearing. As far as I'm aware (for the school), it began with Nick Hartfield, then it continued with the passing of Chad Williams, then this week with Vergil King.
Now, I don't know these people, and for the majority of my schooling, I never personally knew any of the students that have died throughout the school career that I've gone through. But what I can relate to, in a small way, is the disappearance of people, as in going to another school or state. This I know all too well, and it has really ruined my Senior year.
Most of the people I can mention who have actually gone to another school or state or whichever, or graduated, makes me feel smaller in a big place. Not weaker. Smaller. More alone, despite those I still have. The closest of friends I have/have had, especially since this is the longest time I've been in one school or one state (my dad's in the Army; I've never had life-long friends), it's as if God is picking them off one-by-one and sending them somewhere else. Facebook doesn't cut it.
Fortunately, I have met some more newer people, as well. Brandt, Jessica, Lindsey, these chaps I hang out with in a tranquil location behind the band room during lunch, have made it infinitely more bearable to be constantely reminded by myself that others are not here with me. Not to leave out Suhail Ziadeh; he and his clan, as well, have made this year alot more enjoyable. And this clan specifically made it alot more fun to budge against our new administration that is annoyingly limiting our options of having a good year here at Lakeside. I've never been more happier to wear a more extreme peace armband. I'm putting my own little revolution once more, even if it means doing it by myself...
And then there are those that have not left, but I am slowly. It's coming to an understanding that this year is all about me, me getting my hands on the diploma, me concluding a second life, all the while putting the life I enjoy on the side of the plate. Regardless of whoever are in my life this year, whoever I'll more than likely visit during college breaks, whoever I'll more than likely share my life with throughout the years... it's about me this time. And if they can't seem to comprehend that, or I can't comprehend with them, I'll slip away. Sure, I got a Facebook to do some chats or Wall posts here or there... but personally... meh, not as much as it used to be. I'm sorry if this sounds abit harsh, I'm probably not explaining it right... but it's something you're noticing. You don't see me hanging around the Yu-Gi-Oh table in the mornings that much anymore, and then some.
... as I always am, though, I'm just glad I'm not involved with a gal in this school... oh, but this is something I gotta talk about individually.
WOMEN
I'm procrastinating my note cards like hell right now, and there isn't much of a guessing game or essay to do over for this topic, so I'll make an ol' list with no coherence to anything.
- 80-90% of the girls here are preps. No.
- Those with the right personalities are either taken, too hard to get, have one too many annoying flaws, or something to just unappeal to me.
- Too busy to focus.
- I'm going to graduate, so what's the point right now? I'm leaving Augusta, and long-distance is a very testy idea to comprehend.
- I'm just so awesome at being single. I can have fun with girls around me, and not have a sort of moral conduct within myself.
- I'm in for a real and lengthy relationship when it's there and possible.
- Is it really that impossible to find a girl gamer? An attractive, and not taken, girl gamer? XD
- Does it involve money and attention more than just pure love now-a-days? If money and attention were women, we got a bunch of whores in our school.
- Being in a relationship, and still being able to be yourself?
- If you knew how many girls here are so easy...
But the one obvious note to take here, as secondly pointed out by Brandt,
- I'm a metaphorical slut. I have a very short attention-span for most of the girls I have taken an interest in. It's mostly because I never made a move, or I know I don't have a shot, etc... but taking in a different attraction and interest almost every one to two weeks... yeah, I am a slut.
Now, notice, I said "for most of the girls..." Notice that, because despite all the years I spent here in Georgia, there are some few who have never left my interest despite my slutness. And knowing more and more about them each time I can makes it more and more permanant. I guess it has to do with that, maybe; if she/he is more like you than you know, she/he 'll probably never leave your mind. Ever. However far and wide the distance is, you're still genuinely interested.
... wow, that is the most accurate description of what I've been trying to say over the years.
- Ant
SENIOR YEAR
... my head is only thinking about Senior Prj... and it's interesting, because, despite what every former-Senior I know has stressed over their year... the Senior Project really isn't so hard (so far). Just need a load of time. And I mean it. That's honestly all you need. Because these guys are expecting you to do this entire year-long research project... as well as carry on the class status of a Senior. And even if you tossed out the Senior Project, this school year... is really terrible to alot of us.
If you are reading this, and I'll assume it's a Panther, we're more than aware that almost one-by-one a student from our school is disappearing. As far as I'm aware (for the school), it began with Nick Hartfield, then it continued with the passing of Chad Williams, then this week with Vergil King.
Now, I don't know these people, and for the majority of my schooling, I never personally knew any of the students that have died throughout the school career that I've gone through. But what I can relate to, in a small way, is the disappearance of people, as in going to another school or state. This I know all too well, and it has really ruined my Senior year.
Most of the people I can mention who have actually gone to another school or state or whichever, or graduated, makes me feel smaller in a big place. Not weaker. Smaller. More alone, despite those I still have. The closest of friends I have/have had, especially since this is the longest time I've been in one school or one state (my dad's in the Army; I've never had life-long friends), it's as if God is picking them off one-by-one and sending them somewhere else. Facebook doesn't cut it.
Fortunately, I have met some more newer people, as well. Brandt, Jessica, Lindsey, these chaps I hang out with in a tranquil location behind the band room during lunch, have made it infinitely more bearable to be constantely reminded by myself that others are not here with me. Not to leave out Suhail Ziadeh; he and his clan, as well, have made this year alot more enjoyable. And this clan specifically made it alot more fun to budge against our new administration that is annoyingly limiting our options of having a good year here at Lakeside. I've never been more happier to wear a more extreme peace armband. I'm putting my own little revolution once more, even if it means doing it by myself...
And then there are those that have not left, but I am slowly. It's coming to an understanding that this year is all about me, me getting my hands on the diploma, me concluding a second life, all the while putting the life I enjoy on the side of the plate. Regardless of whoever are in my life this year, whoever I'll more than likely visit during college breaks, whoever I'll more than likely share my life with throughout the years... it's about me this time. And if they can't seem to comprehend that, or I can't comprehend with them, I'll slip away. Sure, I got a Facebook to do some chats or Wall posts here or there... but personally... meh, not as much as it used to be. I'm sorry if this sounds abit harsh, I'm probably not explaining it right... but it's something you're noticing. You don't see me hanging around the Yu-Gi-Oh table in the mornings that much anymore, and then some.
... as I always am, though, I'm just glad I'm not involved with a gal in this school... oh, but this is something I gotta talk about individually.
WOMEN
I'm procrastinating my note cards like hell right now, and there isn't much of a guessing game or essay to do over for this topic, so I'll make an ol' list with no coherence to anything.
- 80-90% of the girls here are preps. No.
- Those with the right personalities are either taken, too hard to get, have one too many annoying flaws, or something to just unappeal to me.
- Too busy to focus.
- I'm going to graduate, so what's the point right now? I'm leaving Augusta, and long-distance is a very testy idea to comprehend.
- I'm just so awesome at being single. I can have fun with girls around me, and not have a sort of moral conduct within myself.
- I'm in for a real and lengthy relationship when it's there and possible.
- Is it really that impossible to find a girl gamer? An attractive, and not taken, girl gamer? XD
- Does it involve money and attention more than just pure love now-a-days? If money and attention were women, we got a bunch of whores in our school.
- Being in a relationship, and still being able to be yourself?
- If you knew how many girls here are so easy...
But the one obvious note to take here, as secondly pointed out by Brandt,
- I'm a metaphorical slut. I have a very short attention-span for most of the girls I have taken an interest in. It's mostly because I never made a move, or I know I don't have a shot, etc... but taking in a different attraction and interest almost every one to two weeks... yeah, I am a slut.
Now, notice, I said "for most of the girls..." Notice that, because despite all the years I spent here in Georgia, there are some few who have never left my interest despite my slutness. And knowing more and more about them each time I can makes it more and more permanant. I guess it has to do with that, maybe; if she/he is more like you than you know, she/he 'll probably never leave your mind. Ever. However far and wide the distance is, you're still genuinely interested.
... wow, that is the most accurate description of what I've been trying to say over the years.
- Ant
If you thought Gary Jule's "Mad World" was depressing...
... then you haven't heard anything like I have. Leonard Cohen's "So Long, Marianne" has been going in loops on my PSP since I downloaded it (uh oh...) some two days ago. And now I feel so depressed and moody for almost no reason, and may explain my last post. Like I've stressed before, I'm a happy guy, my life is awesome, but...
My life sucks!
- Ant (notice new signature)
My life sucks!
- Ant (notice new signature)
... ugh...
...r'uuuuggghh...
I hate being a Senior. The Senior privaleges thing is a lie, too many Seniors here are sadly passing away before ourselves, the school is becoming more stricter and Catholic than ever, one of our own administrators had to cancel a main event at our last Pep Rally because we were going to throw hardballs at underclassmen who deserve it, I'm becoming more distant with other people and finding my own little places of solitude, our school competition play isn't really that up there for an award-winning One Act play, all the women in our school only hold so much interest in me for so long, there's drama everywhere, getting into SCAD Savannah costs a mind-blowing amount of money that I probably won't be able to get in
... and I then there's the Senior Project. I got note cards to do right now. But I can't, because I got limitations on sources to only get, maybe, 9 cards out of 25 total, by Thursday.
... and there are TOO many fackin' deadlines on papers and shit that staying through the late hours and straight 'til morning is becoming a habit. I don't even have time to go to movies anymore, or probably the October Fest and Boshears Skyfest... or even email my grandmother! ... and then there's my parents and friends bitching about how I'm not hanging out with them as much anymore because I'm just too busy for my own good. I should be lucky. I mean, I made it this far with 4 As, and maybe a B and a C, I dunno... but not getting out of Trigonometry in time would've threatened my graduation completely. I should be fucking lucky. And I got some teachers here depending on me to do this and that, make a radio intro for a school radio podcast nobody listens to, and college research and powerpoints, and this and that in Drama II, and...
For fuck's sake, everyone, just give me some fucking time!
I need me back. He's off in Eagles Nest, Minnesota and he's skinny-dipping with some Donovan or Kinks tracks playing on the record player or stereo. Little basterd.
- Ant
Oh, and another thing: Mr. Shouse, my 1st period teacher: 1) I'm typing this blogpost at my house on my own laptop, so there shouldn't be any "bad cop" ordeals going about, and 2) I'm having Economics next year for 1st period, but I'd still be interested in doing radio anchor.
Yeah, teachers here apparently look at my Blogger. Embarrassing? Not really. Awesome? Depends on the person reading...
I hate being a Senior. The Senior privaleges thing is a lie, too many Seniors here are sadly passing away before ourselves, the school is becoming more stricter and Catholic than ever, one of our own administrators had to cancel a main event at our last Pep Rally because we were going to throw hardballs at underclassmen who deserve it, I'm becoming more distant with other people and finding my own little places of solitude, our school competition play isn't really that up there for an award-winning One Act play, all the women in our school only hold so much interest in me for so long, there's drama everywhere, getting into SCAD Savannah costs a mind-blowing amount of money that I probably won't be able to get in
... and I then there's the Senior Project. I got note cards to do right now. But I can't, because I got limitations on sources to only get, maybe, 9 cards out of 25 total, by Thursday.
... and there are TOO many fackin' deadlines on papers and shit that staying through the late hours and straight 'til morning is becoming a habit. I don't even have time to go to movies anymore, or probably the October Fest and Boshears Skyfest... or even email my grandmother! ... and then there's my parents and friends bitching about how I'm not hanging out with them as much anymore because I'm just too busy for my own good. I should be lucky. I mean, I made it this far with 4 As, and maybe a B and a C, I dunno... but not getting out of Trigonometry in time would've threatened my graduation completely. I should be fucking lucky. And I got some teachers here depending on me to do this and that, make a radio intro for a school radio podcast nobody listens to, and college research and powerpoints, and this and that in Drama II, and...
For fuck's sake, everyone, just give me some fucking time!
I need me back. He's off in Eagles Nest, Minnesota and he's skinny-dipping with some Donovan or Kinks tracks playing on the record player or stereo. Little basterd.
- Ant
Oh, and another thing: Mr. Shouse, my 1st period teacher: 1) I'm typing this blogpost at my house on my own laptop, so there shouldn't be any "bad cop" ordeals going about, and 2) I'm having Economics next year for 1st period, but I'd still be interested in doing radio anchor.
Yeah, teachers here apparently look at my Blogger. Embarrassing? Not really. Awesome? Depends on the person reading...
Sep 15, 2010
On death.
I’ve been watching American Beauty far too many times this week. Far too many times in one life, and the number of times will reach infinite times until the day I die. I love this movie. Not just because of the stellar acting, camera work, and music... but how it settles into your emotions and living through its definite message.
I can’t tell you exactly what that message is, since there are many interpretations of it from many movie-junkies, and it’s not exactly a message, not as much as a feeling... that you can’t live this life without knowing one very eternal and important factor that about everyone has come to forget completely: are you happy.
It’s hard for me to put to words what’s been happening to me over the course of my older teenage years, but I can tell you straight away that I’ve lost much. I’ve lost so much I don’t even remember what I’ve lost because it is forever gone... but through this lose, I’ve gained. I’ve gained a newer spirituality, a newer awareness on what is concrete, a newer livelihood.
I can tell you a few things I know I’ve lost:
- All religion
- Any respect for politics
- A failure of humanity
- The clique of this generation of society
- The self-esteem issues that cloud what is true “beauty”
And a revitalized image of death.
If I had to die, right here, right this moment... I’d welcome it.
My life. My God, my life. Since those revelations and events, it literally brings a tear to my eye that my life is so... beautiful.
That important dynamic of life that a godly many have lost, and I was willing to soak it in: happiness. Before anything, I wasn’t so in-line with myself. Sure, I was happy, but nothing was concrete. It was as if every emotion in me was just flying all around me from my head, just whizzing by without a clue were to go. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do with myself. Should I just follow the conformity, and see if it takes me anywhere? I wanted to GO somewhere, but I didn’t know where. What was I suppose to do?... I just wouldn’t be content in my life if I was to die that moment.
I would rather die happy than live sadly.
But I (think I’ve) found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve let myself be myself. I’ve lost interest in what used to matter in perspective to others, insignificant others I would begin to realize before it was too late that they would have nothing to do with me in the next years of my forthcoming new life. I threw away what I realized had nothing to do with me, never made me happy, all these emotions that would only hurt and confuse and annoy, and just had no heart or anything for... and everything I threw away turned into who I am right now as I type this: me.
I know where I want to go, what I want to do, I am letting it all out, and it built into this human conscience who knows what to do... I think. Nothing will ever be concrete. But there’s no joy in having it concrete. You can’t stay still and routine. There’s nothing there, no matter how fun that routine is. “Live and let die.” Give it a try. Take the shot... just fucking go for it! As I tell everyone on anything, you only have one life. One small, unpredictable, time-ticking, continuous life. A life you’re just gonna let go all by itself.
I would rather die happy than live sadly.
An orange sunrise, an orange sunset, a gentle breeze as the lake paddled with your emotions as you just sit there, and the only thing around you is nothing, nothing but those feelings of breath-taking senses of glee and beauty, all just unleash out of your heart and into the air. Letting go. And realizing just how gratified you are to be alive and well.
And then you die.
-AG
Aug 9, 2010
REVIEW: The last "first day of school"
Today, I became a Senior. A Senior. My God, I would've never seen myself make it this far with myself to realize how much has changed to this moment. I keep thinking about this little boy, maybe some 4 ft. tall, and how all he knew in life was trying for an Honor Roll, trying to make friends, talk like a smart business person, "be important" however an elementary schooler could see anything... that little boy thought that by the time he got to the age of 18, when being 18 to buy this or that from a TV screen was all that mattered about the age, that he would BE that smart business-talking person, that D.A.R.E. would teach me the dangers of drugs, and that he will be a proud citizen to his shining country called the United States Of America.
... it has come to my last year of schooling, and I want to cry to tell that little boy that everything he's been told over the years has been almost a complete set of lies. That little innocent boy was lied to. For 17 years. This world isn't what he expected by this age. This isn't his shining country called the United States Of America. his. This isn't a safe world D.A.R.E made for him. That little boy has absolutely no idea what has happened. He's no longer four feet tall.
It's very hard to comprehend why I'm gloomy right now, but I have this feeling that seems to have settled in, telling me that everything last year has taught me from honor, friends, teachers, and Seniors especially, I have to walk with now that I myself have become the Senior. As if most of my friends and most of my Senior friends from last year gave me the key to this moment in time, and it's my responsibility alone now, to take that key to two locks: my diploma, and my heart.
First, let me tell you about the actual first day. To begin with, my bus is still the depressing and destructive I-want-to-choke-these-little-middle-schoolers-to-death sensation when I got on. I met a good friend from last year, and had chats here and there, with my PSP settling on my hand to The Proclaimer's "500 Miles", feeling like the proper way to start. Haha.
The minute I got into the school, the [boop] hits the fan. I've never seen so many "Freshmen" in one fucking place. These kids keep getting tinier by the year, dammit! Half the Commons was dry empty! I got to see some more friends (scattered in and around the Freshmen, I mean) and Mrs. Young eventually through the chaos. One of them, Sean, and I went to that dry, empty space just to overlook how fucked up it was. Chaos, fo shiz, man...
Trying to figure out my own personal schedule, I went to Homeroom alot earlier, and found the Goldberg brothers hanging in my Homeroom. Going to 1st Period for Vid/Broadcasting, it was great to see Mr. Shouse happy/pissed to see me. I have some high hopes for this class, regardless of however mood that guy's is.
2nd Period came along, and after a knee-cramping stutter through the halls to Adv. Alg (I already arranged route plans outside the school back at Open House), I was welcomed by Richardson Lane, I see as the only person, in the class, and eventually by Jerry Meitin, who's first name is enough for the toying with the word "Seinfeld" to it. And now I'm his class clown. Since when am I ever called that? XD
3rd Period was somewhat curious, because Open House listed mine as a question mark; it was a dealing of electives and chance, since it was a "Vacant" choice. I got... well, a class on business and career, making plans, etc... I swear to God, my brother would love this class if he went back some maybe 2 years ago, 'cause that was all I could think about for the class.
However, I began to remember that I had almost nobody from my little group of friends for lunch like last year. It was all scattered, as if the (new) Administration chose us of all people because we were so connected that their miserable little lives didn't want to see us happy. And during 5th, I realized more and more that everything was confusly scattered. Scattered than ever. I had Zach H. for 1st, Richardson for 2nd, Sean for 3rd... a few number of people I would hardly notice for 5th, and maybe 2, for 6th.
It feels so empty without the people I met and truly had my trust and love for. They're off to college now, or just laughing at us on Facebook. Haha. And then there's people I love as dearly, who I'll see for maybe only 20 minutes in the morning in a day. And the few who are so important to me, they're gone to another school. It feels as if I gotta tread this year alone, in some way. Facebook doesn't make it better, from the sense I'm putting.
I have my family from back in the Drama department, and words won't ever describe those feelings, but even then, it felt empty with about 16 people. It would've been a complete blast (for me) to have worked with complete noobs at this, or just have more people somewhat new to this, and get involved in the process. As much love (and importance) there is to be working with the same actors as last year, it would've been great to have more to it than that.
... having Ms. Mix- MRS. COLLINS!- doesn't really make it better with Senior Prj. coming along, as with those other few mentioned, for 5th, either.
Across the hall, I can take all the time in the world to my 6th period, where I was TOLD (Brandon, you asshole XD ) to be making video game codes in Computer Programming. Nevertheless, it felt very lounge-like to be working with fellow gamers/geeks/computer people, and with someone as awesome as Mrs. McKean.
In the end, though, it really feels limited to how I can commune with those loved ones I made about one year ago. Though, I feel that in almost one year, on May, I will look back at this Blog post, or even my entire life... as I touch my diploma, my ticket to escape from this world if I can. Break the chains I managed to damage sufficiently, and get the hell outta here.
Because this is my last year... and it's only been the first day.
-AG
... it has come to my last year of schooling, and I want to cry to tell that little boy that everything he's been told over the years has been almost a complete set of lies. That little innocent boy was lied to. For 17 years. This world isn't what he expected by this age. This isn't his shining country called the United States Of America. his. This isn't a safe world D.A.R.E made for him. That little boy has absolutely no idea what has happened. He's no longer four feet tall.
It's very hard to comprehend why I'm gloomy right now, but I have this feeling that seems to have settled in, telling me that everything last year has taught me from honor, friends, teachers, and Seniors especially, I have to walk with now that I myself have become the Senior. As if most of my friends and most of my Senior friends from last year gave me the key to this moment in time, and it's my responsibility alone now, to take that key to two locks: my diploma, and my heart.
First, let me tell you about the actual first day. To begin with, my bus is still the depressing and destructive I-want-to-choke-these-little-middle-schoolers-to-death sensation when I got on. I met a good friend from last year, and had chats here and there, with my PSP settling on my hand to The Proclaimer's "500 Miles", feeling like the proper way to start. Haha.
The minute I got into the school, the [boop] hits the fan. I've never seen so many "Freshmen" in one fucking place. These kids keep getting tinier by the year, dammit! Half the Commons was dry empty! I got to see some more friends (scattered in and around the Freshmen, I mean) and Mrs. Young eventually through the chaos. One of them, Sean, and I went to that dry, empty space just to overlook how fucked up it was. Chaos, fo shiz, man...
Trying to figure out my own personal schedule, I went to Homeroom alot earlier, and found the Goldberg brothers hanging in my Homeroom. Going to 1st Period for Vid/Broadcasting, it was great to see Mr. Shouse happy/pissed to see me. I have some high hopes for this class, regardless of however mood that guy's is.
2nd Period came along, and after a knee-cramping stutter through the halls to Adv. Alg (I already arranged route plans outside the school back at Open House), I was welcomed by Richardson Lane, I see as the only person, in the class, and eventually by Jerry Meitin, who's first name is enough for the toying with the word "Seinfeld" to it. And now I'm his class clown. Since when am I ever called that? XD
3rd Period was somewhat curious, because Open House listed mine as a question mark; it was a dealing of electives and chance, since it was a "Vacant" choice. I got... well, a class on business and career, making plans, etc... I swear to God, my brother would love this class if he went back some maybe 2 years ago, 'cause that was all I could think about for the class.
However, I began to remember that I had almost nobody from my little group of friends for lunch like last year. It was all scattered, as if the (new) Administration chose us of all people because we were so connected that their miserable little lives didn't want to see us happy. And during 5th, I realized more and more that everything was confusly scattered. Scattered than ever. I had Zach H. for 1st, Richardson for 2nd, Sean for 3rd... a few number of people I would hardly notice for 5th, and maybe 2, for 6th.
It feels so empty without the people I met and truly had my trust and love for. They're off to college now, or just laughing at us on Facebook. Haha. And then there's people I love as dearly, who I'll see for maybe only 20 minutes in the morning in a day. And the few who are so important to me, they're gone to another school. It feels as if I gotta tread this year alone, in some way. Facebook doesn't make it better, from the sense I'm putting.
I have my family from back in the Drama department, and words won't ever describe those feelings, but even then, it felt empty with about 16 people. It would've been a complete blast (for me) to have worked with complete noobs at this, or just have more people somewhat new to this, and get involved in the process. As much love (and importance) there is to be working with the same actors as last year, it would've been great to have more to it than that.
... having Ms. Mix- MRS. COLLINS!- doesn't really make it better with Senior Prj. coming along, as with those other few mentioned, for 5th, either.
Across the hall, I can take all the time in the world to my 6th period, where I was TOLD (Brandon, you asshole XD ) to be making video game codes in Computer Programming. Nevertheless, it felt very lounge-like to be working with fellow gamers/geeks/computer people, and with someone as awesome as Mrs. McKean.
In the end, though, it really feels limited to how I can commune with those loved ones I made about one year ago. Though, I feel that in almost one year, on May, I will look back at this Blog post, or even my entire life... as I touch my diploma, my ticket to escape from this world if I can. Break the chains I managed to damage sufficiently, and get the hell outta here.
Because this is my last year... and it's only been the first day.
-AG
May 9, 2010
News: 'LHS: "Alice In Wonderland", updates coming in few days.
Hello one, hello all. Anthony "Ant" Garcia is back again.
For those who keep watch of this blog (the two of you...), I'm sorry for not updating in over a month. April has been so much work for one person... well, namely 23 people. We've been working on a school play for almost that entire month, "Alice in Wonderland", which I will talk about eventually here. In fact, there are plentiful updates acoming in the next few days and weeks. But first, for the sake of my theatre brother and sisterhood, my blog post for this play is first. Here's the list I'm gonna discuss:
- LHS "Alice In Wonderland" (Critique, and 2-month experience)
- Nothing to lose
- School year 2009-2010, Lakeside
- My 17th birthday... at HOOTERS.
- On religion
- Summer plans
- Review: June 7 SAT test
- E-fucking-3 2010!
I got a long way to go with this, regardless of how much you're seeing here. EOCTs this week, school in general, goodbyes, then probably my last summer break. And in that summer break, there'll be SAT, E3, Minnesota, college work, job applications... and all the while, working out.
Watch for this blog. I'm back, better than before (not really), and ready to get ready for the next months to come.
-AG
For those who keep watch of this blog (the two of you...), I'm sorry for not updating in over a month. April has been so much work for one person... well, namely 23 people. We've been working on a school play for almost that entire month, "Alice in Wonderland", which I will talk about eventually here. In fact, there are plentiful updates acoming in the next few days and weeks. But first, for the sake of my theatre brother and sisterhood, my blog post for this play is first. Here's the list I'm gonna discuss:
- LHS "Alice In Wonderland" (Critique, and 2-month experience)
- Nothing to lose
- School year 2009-2010, Lakeside
- My 17th birthday... at HOOTERS.
- On religion
- Summer plans
- Review: June 7 SAT test
- E-fucking-3 2010!
I got a long way to go with this, regardless of how much you're seeing here. EOCTs this week, school in general, goodbyes, then probably my last summer break. And in that summer break, there'll be SAT, E3, Minnesota, college work, job applications... and all the while, working out.
Watch for this blog. I'm back, better than before (not really), and ready to get ready for the next months to come.
-AG
Apr 8, 2010
"Ant's Theory of Rights To Relationships" (work-in-progress)
*Don't remind me. I know I have never had a girlfriend for the past 17 years, so I can't necessarily judge, more to not have a right to judge, how relationships work, but dammit, I've noticed alot during those years, and I've managed to put together a somewhat disorganized set of beliefs and theories that may/may not suite those inclined to understand or comprehend what works or cannot work.
This is an open blog entry. This means that if one has an idea to add, or a revision to a certain theory, or to just comment how crappy this will end up, I will take it into consideration and change if need be. No boundaries; anyone of any gender can suggest. Think of it like the Bible. It's a bunch of ideas, and it'll be organized eventually so that categories and theories will be set accordingly (I know some pious group is gonna beat me up for that...). S,o here we go...
This is an open blog entry. This means that if one has an idea to add, or a revision to a certain theory, or to just comment how crappy this will end up, I will take it into consideration and change if need be. No boundaries; anyone of any gender can suggest. Think of it like the Bible. It's a bunch of ideas, and it'll be organized eventually so that categories and theories will be set accordingly (I know some pious group is gonna beat me up for that...). S,o here we go...
ANT'S THEORY OF RIGHTS TO RELATIONSHIPS (work-in-progress)
(#)- open for discussion
GOOD
1) If he/she can deal with you hanging out with an opposite sex, and he/she doesn't make it seem awkward or knows nothing is going on with you and that opposite sex... then BY GOD, stick with that person! Those kinda women/men are rare as hell!
2) Patience. If the couple can both have patience with each other.
3) (Applies to #1) If he/she doesn't get sensitive about the smallest detail, like you talking or just walking with an opposite sex.
BAD
1) (#) Holding hands= bushwa. If the most you can do is hold hands, what's the point to begin with?2) There are mainly two types of 'relationships' men look into:
- An actual "I love you" where he ACTUALLY loves you
- A relationship where it honestly feels like it won't last long
Apr 6, 2010
"Top 10: Reasons Why Ant Is Not Going To Prom"
Que David Letterman intro.
"Alright, so you know Anthony, right? Ant, is, is his so-called name?"
Que Paul Shaffer.
"Yeah, yeah- I know him-"
"Well, he goes to this school, right, it's called Lakeside. Well, they're having their prom, and HE'S not going."
"NO."
"No, he's not going. He's not, he doesn't WANT to go to prom-"
"That's, that's terrible, that's horrible-"
"I know-"
"All those poor women, gonna all... dance, alone and yeah"
"Yeah, some girls are actually asking him. ACTUALLY asked him.[audience laughter]. Yeah, well, we asked for a response from him, and we got a reply, and he's, he's given us his OWN Top 10 as to why he's not going. He's fooling, that kid, he's-"
"Sonofa-"
"He's fooling... with our own show. Well here it is, we got some material, so here we go, Top 10 Reasons Why Ant Is Not Going To Prom, here we go, number ten..."
10)I don't know what day it's at.
9) He's got better things to do, like playing Nazi Zombies with some losers and drinking Yoo-hoo, which he's never tried.
8) "He's got homework and college priorities to get out of the way. Haha. Take that, you jerks."
"Uh-huh... yeah. [audience laughter] You're gonna end up here if you don't do that [audience laughter].
7) He's worn his suit about a million times, and doesn't want to get a new suit, or a tux. That shit looks like hell.
6) He's gonna try skinny dipping in the lake where the prom dudes are gonna get their pictures taken.
5)He's got drama.
"He's got DRAMA, people! Drama!"
4)He's saving his money for "God of War III" and a Rolling Stones shirt.
3)"It's not what Ant would do."
2) He's too busy ranting against Facebook.
"Yeah... I'm used to that. And the number one reason he's not going to prom:"
1) Hey, it's Ant. Who gives a rat's ass?
-AG
"Alright, so you know Anthony, right? Ant, is, is his so-called name?"
Que Paul Shaffer.
"Yeah, yeah- I know him-"
"Well, he goes to this school, right, it's called Lakeside. Well, they're having their prom, and HE'S not going."
"NO."
"No, he's not going. He's not, he doesn't WANT to go to prom-"
"That's, that's terrible, that's horrible-"
"I know-"
"All those poor women, gonna all... dance, alone and yeah"
"Yeah, some girls are actually asking him. ACTUALLY asked him.[audience laughter]. Yeah, well, we asked for a response from him, and we got a reply, and he's, he's given us his OWN Top 10 as to why he's not going. He's fooling, that kid, he's-"
"Sonofa-"
"He's fooling... with our own show. Well here it is, we got some material, so here we go, Top 10 Reasons Why Ant Is Not Going To Prom, here we go, number ten..."
10)I don't know what day it's at.
9) He's got better things to do, like playing Nazi Zombies with some losers and drinking Yoo-hoo, which he's never tried.
8) "He's got homework and college priorities to get out of the way. Haha. Take that, you jerks."
"Uh-huh... yeah. [audience laughter] You're gonna end up here if you don't do that [audience laughter].
7) He's worn his suit about a million times, and doesn't want to get a new suit, or a tux. That shit looks like hell.
6) He's gonna try skinny dipping in the lake where the prom dudes are gonna get their pictures taken.
5)He's got drama.
"He's got DRAMA, people! Drama!"
4)He's saving his money for "God of War III" and a Rolling Stones shirt.
3)"It's not what Ant would do."
2) He's too busy ranting against Facebook.
"Yeah... I'm used to that. And the number one reason he's not going to prom:"
1) Hey, it's Ant. Who gives a rat's ass?
-AG
Mar 30, 2010
Tenderment and enlightenment at around midnight No. 2 (On politics)
So again last night, I had another enlightening talk with a Senior classman. Do I see a trend?
Actually, I don’t know how it was enlightening, since I didn’t really learn anything like the last ones, but it reinforced my newly learned idea that there are some people here who share your mind and interests.
OR tenderment. Mind you, this is a male persona. Not a female persona who managed to tickle my mind and my heart, but a guy, dude… and whata dude.
This entire chat (Facebook, of course) began with him mentioning his actions against a Selective Service draft he got, and what he thought about it. I talked to him about it, asked him if what he did was, in some words, fair, or legal. We talked about his rebellious, peace-loving, music-breathing ego that I resemble (or try to), his ideas on what should be with the US
We both have nothing against our US Army, God bless them, but we have something to say on the politics in everything leading to it. How the government has treated many issues during the 20th century, 60s and early 90s. How there shouldn’t be any political party system here, how much dependent we are on them or not. How we don’t loath but doubt our president…
I’m going to expand on this, believe me, but not here. Not like last time. I think for something this important, I guess, to people, I should make it a topic between me and the reader, not two thinkers and the reader.
Now before anything, I didn’t even know the guy. I met him spontaneously standing infront of Mrs. Mixon’s ELA classroom as my class waited for her to come back. Band geek, seemed cool, reminded me alot of James Franco, hell with it, add him on Facebook. What a story. (Sorry, Andrew :/ ) Chatted with him from time to time, developed a connection, and now enveloped it.
However, though, I think this may reinforce a new image I began to realize this month, and it’s this: For someone you just met, you can’t just assume they’re this or that, or don’t seem like they believe in this or that, or do this, etc… Now, alot of us know this already, “don’t judge a book by its cover”, blah blah, but I can tell alot of us don’t take it for heart. Someone you hardly know, don’t know one bit. And someone like me, who just takes the chance and just does it, I’m thoroughly surprised many times how vast someone like this guy can think and analyze aspects of themselves and society. It’s very clear with the prequel to this blog entry.
There truly are some unknown minds in this place, and I’m lucky enough to interview them.
-AG
Mar 27, 2010
Review: GHSGT week
Come on, you saw this coming. After a week of long study nights, homework, school society, and life in general, it's a cry of hallelujah to say this week is finally over. Minute I got home this Friday, turned on my dusting PS3, put on the Rolling Stones "Shine A Light" concert for the 19th time (the entire concert, 19 times), and jumped around the house like a madman. Something I miss doing. After that, I fell asleep, forced to see a movie with Mel Gibson in it I didn't wanna see (Mel Gibson. Period.), watched 'Married... with Children' for the first time in awhile, and now I'm here.
So what was I... oh yeah! The Georgia High School Graduation Test. I honestly thought this week would never end, or end in a good manner. But it surprisingly surprised me. So I'm gonna do a "review" of the tests I took this week, in order, so I could explain better.
1) Science
I'm not much of a science person. I mean, I love biology, but that's only because I had an incredible teacher at the time. I'm glad I did, since this test was mostly on biology, as well as chemistry (which I'm taking now) and some physics. Again, I'm not a science person and biology is good, so it wasn't easy, but I think that knowledge got me far with the test. Out of 60, 65 questions, I think I did alright. The questions themselves weren't picky, thankfully, but they had some "WTF?! WHO WOULD ASK THAT?!?!" kinda questions, and some needed input put into them. "If this and this did this, ate that, it's probably a-", you'd have to take it in, and look at those choices (Duh!) and pick "Decomposers"
One REALLY screwed-up question was when it asked to "compare a cell to a flashlight. What would the mitochondria represent?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Who would ask that? HOW do you answer that? How do you compare a [beeping] cell to a [beeping] flashlight? Lightbulb? Handle? Battery (answer)? WHAT?!?!
That really was the test. More screwed-up questions and answers than anything.
2) Mathematics
So halfway through this section of the test, I was about ready to leave my testing room to the bathroom, and laugh my fucking ass off. Holy crap. This test was an absolute joke, it's not even funny.
Here's the rundown: 75 questions, no challenge, hardly no use of a calculator, no specific or legit algebra, only two blank spaces because I TEMPORARILY forgot a method, badass emotions, Northern pride, all within 1 hour 15 minutes.
I can't go any further than that, but to say that I am very happy to have been born in New York when I took this. Do Georgia school systems really think we're THAT low in math? Yikes!
3) English, Language Arts
Tell ya what, I was really getting sick of those Mexican-American poems. Other than that, it was challenging, though not staggering. It had the typical short stories and poems that you actually had to read to actually get the question. Nothing new to me, other than I'm not fully great with answering questions to specific stories. I mean, I WRITE good, but that's just it. I do write good, right?...
4) Social Studies
This is one of those rare times where I'm actually thankful I studied the night before. Had I not, I wouldn't have gotten the 2/3 answers I picked heartily whenever I counted how I many I answered and left blank when I reached a stopping point for myself. The other 1/3 were real trouble spots because I knew what the question was talking about, but any of the answer choices could've been it. Like, all those choices are the reasons as to what happened after the French and Indian War, so what do you mean by "directly"?
Anyway, for 90 questions, I'm pretty content with myself that I finished it at around the same time I finished the Math section, which says something when it was the only test section I feared of all. And for that, I give my thanks and my continuing loathing to Mrs. Griffin's Power Period.
I did take a "fifth" test, but it was really our first. The Writing test section, which we took last year. I should touch on that, but it was a persuasive essay, and I got around a 4.5/5 on. It was great since it was an essay on something I kinda liked: government spending, on space programs.
We surprisingly took the Social Studies test Friday, since the board got the wrong test on the scheduled Thursday we where gonna take it. This pissed me off, yet gave me a full day or relaxation and extra studying before Friday.
So, in a state of shock, this staggering week is over. And there's no homework for me to accomplish minus some journals for Literature. I got this weekend to myself. How am I gonna spend it? Do every little thing I gotta do right now (Saturday, 1am), then the big stuff, my bed, for the whole weekend. My bed. Missed those long hours of sleep, damn straight deserve them now.
-AG
So what was I... oh yeah! The Georgia High School Graduation Test. I honestly thought this week would never end, or end in a good manner. But it surprisingly surprised me. So I'm gonna do a "review" of the tests I took this week, in order, so I could explain better.
1) Science
I'm not much of a science person. I mean, I love biology, but that's only because I had an incredible teacher at the time. I'm glad I did, since this test was mostly on biology, as well as chemistry (which I'm taking now) and some physics. Again, I'm not a science person and biology is good, so it wasn't easy, but I think that knowledge got me far with the test. Out of 60, 65 questions, I think I did alright. The questions themselves weren't picky, thankfully, but they had some "WTF?! WHO WOULD ASK THAT?!?!" kinda questions, and some needed input put into them. "If this and this did this, ate that, it's probably a-", you'd have to take it in, and look at those choices (Duh!) and pick "Decomposers"
One REALLY screwed-up question was when it asked to "compare a cell to a flashlight. What would the mitochondria represent?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Who would ask that? HOW do you answer that? How do you compare a [beeping] cell to a [beeping] flashlight? Lightbulb? Handle? Battery (answer)? WHAT?!?!
That really was the test. More screwed-up questions and answers than anything.
2) Mathematics
So halfway through this section of the test, I was about ready to leave my testing room to the bathroom, and laugh my fucking ass off. Holy crap. This test was an absolute joke, it's not even funny.
Here's the rundown: 75 questions, no challenge, hardly no use of a calculator, no specific or legit algebra, only two blank spaces because I TEMPORARILY forgot a method, badass emotions, Northern pride, all within 1 hour 15 minutes.
I can't go any further than that, but to say that I am very happy to have been born in New York when I took this. Do Georgia school systems really think we're THAT low in math? Yikes!
3) English, Language Arts
Tell ya what, I was really getting sick of those Mexican-American poems. Other than that, it was challenging, though not staggering. It had the typical short stories and poems that you actually had to read to actually get the question. Nothing new to me, other than I'm not fully great with answering questions to specific stories. I mean, I WRITE good, but that's just it. I do write good, right?...
4) Social Studies
This is one of those rare times where I'm actually thankful I studied the night before. Had I not, I wouldn't have gotten the 2/3 answers I picked heartily whenever I counted how I many I answered and left blank when I reached a stopping point for myself. The other 1/3 were real trouble spots because I knew what the question was talking about, but any of the answer choices could've been it. Like, all those choices are the reasons as to what happened after the French and Indian War, so what do you mean by "directly"?
Anyway, for 90 questions, I'm pretty content with myself that I finished it at around the same time I finished the Math section, which says something when it was the only test section I feared of all. And for that, I give my thanks and my continuing loathing to Mrs. Griffin's Power Period.
I did take a "fifth" test, but it was really our first. The Writing test section, which we took last year. I should touch on that, but it was a persuasive essay, and I got around a 4.5/5 on. It was great since it was an essay on something I kinda liked: government spending, on space programs.
We surprisingly took the Social Studies test Friday, since the board got the wrong test on the scheduled Thursday we where gonna take it. This pissed me off, yet gave me a full day or relaxation and extra studying before Friday.
So, in a state of shock, this staggering week is over. And there's no homework for me to accomplish minus some journals for Literature. I got this weekend to myself. How am I gonna spend it? Do every little thing I gotta do right now (Saturday, 1am), then the big stuff, my bed, for the whole weekend. My bed. Missed those long hours of sleep, damn straight deserve them now.
-AG
Mar 20, 2010
Motivation and satisfaction (No. 1)
DRIVERS LICENSE
I'm not much of a fan of driving. That's what I believed, until I went go-cart racing in Adventure Crossing during a birthday party last year, then my life changed. Now, it's one of my main focus in life to get a [beeping] drivers license, or even some card to get me to drive. However, I'm a lazy guy, and put up from getting a permit until January of this year. I'm gonna be 17 in about 5 weeks, and I still have nothing involving a car. But I took the permit test finally around January.
I passed the signs test, failed the rules test. Typical. Since then, I just stopped caring, and just think about it on occasions, say "Yeah, maybe I should..." only to be mind-stopped by something. But now it's just critical I get it.
I ride a school bus with a ratio of about 2:8 high to middle schoolers. Middle schoolers that want to be the high schooler we are. Middle schoolers you just want to choke and beat their ass to death. I can't express it simpler or easier than this status I wrote on my Facebook:
"- Once you get closer to the end of high school, there's a fine line between you and the middle schoolers. A bunch of pathetic wannabes who look like an overweight set of child prostitutes and gangbangers, have phones and Apple tech they don't know shit over, and will go as far as they can to appear badass infront of the high schooler. Problem is, they don't know what kind of a high schooler I can be."
There really is a fine line between us. Yes, you used to be a middle schooler yourself, but when you get closer to graduating outta high school, it's a clear wall. Not just a pristine wall, but a wall that's been developing over the years because of parents and technology, but that's another story.
And it's not just them. Believe me, I can go on about how much I wanna smash these little runts with a baseball bat, step on their heads, crush them, GAH!... but it's not just them. And like always, there are middle schoolers that'll surprise you with their intellect, but like my recent posts have said, it's rare.
I also ride with the 2 of that ratio, and the half of that ratio is basically the same as these middle schoolers who shouldn't be in high school in the first place.
And it's not just them. We have a terrible driver, an annoying cast of characters, a route that lasts about 5 minutes so we can't sleep (even if we tried with the annoying cast)... And what is it with these people and perfumes? You're not gonna get attraction by smelling like old vanilla cookies or macaroons. Srsly...
So I just turned a discussion about a driver's license to a rant against a school bus. But this is good, 'cause it'll remind me of why I should look into a license. Now.
I'm not much of a fan of driving. That's what I believed, until I went go-cart racing in Adventure Crossing during a birthday party last year, then my life changed. Now, it's one of my main focus in life to get a [beeping] drivers license, or even some card to get me to drive. However, I'm a lazy guy, and put up from getting a permit until January of this year. I'm gonna be 17 in about 5 weeks, and I still have nothing involving a car. But I took the permit test finally around January.
I passed the signs test, failed the rules test. Typical. Since then, I just stopped caring, and just think about it on occasions, say "Yeah, maybe I should..." only to be mind-stopped by something. But now it's just critical I get it.
I ride a school bus with a ratio of about 2:8 high to middle schoolers. Middle schoolers that want to be the high schooler we are. Middle schoolers you just want to choke and beat their ass to death. I can't express it simpler or easier than this status I wrote on my Facebook:
"- Once you get closer to the end of high school, there's a fine line between you and the middle schoolers. A bunch of pathetic wannabes who look like an overweight set of child prostitutes and gangbangers, have phones and Apple tech they don't know shit over, and will go as far as they can to appear badass infront of the high schooler. Problem is, they don't know what kind of a high schooler I can be."
There really is a fine line between us. Yes, you used to be a middle schooler yourself, but when you get closer to graduating outta high school, it's a clear wall. Not just a pristine wall, but a wall that's been developing over the years because of parents and technology, but that's another story.
And it's not just them. Believe me, I can go on about how much I wanna smash these little runts with a baseball bat, step on their heads, crush them, GAH!... but it's not just them. And like always, there are middle schoolers that'll surprise you with their intellect, but like my recent posts have said, it's rare.
I also ride with the 2 of that ratio, and the half of that ratio is basically the same as these middle schoolers who shouldn't be in high school in the first place.
And it's not just them. We have a terrible driver, an annoying cast of characters, a route that lasts about 5 minutes so we can't sleep (even if we tried with the annoying cast)... And what is it with these people and perfumes? You're not gonna get attraction by smelling like old vanilla cookies or macaroons. Srsly...
So I just turned a discussion about a driver's license to a rant against a school bus. But this is good, 'cause it'll remind me of why I should look into a license. Now.
GHSGT
It's gonna be a long end of the month, and today will be my last taste of happiness and aggressive gaming pwnage. After this afternoon, I'm gonna have to hit the books for my Georgia High School Graduation Tests (GHSGT). Science, Math, English, and Social Issues. 4 days, 2 hours per, and then regular schooling right after. Christ!
...and that's just the testing. Right now, I gotta call this magazine business about a SECOND? renewal for my subscription? When I just renewed it about 2 weeks ago? Not just that, but drama to deal with, with people that are driving each other, and me, to the point of mental hysteria. AND drama onstage as well, with our rehearsals for "Alice In Wonderland" we're performing about a month from now.
Man, that's the only sort of "drama" I wanna deal with. I'm talking to some veterans on how the testing was to them. It doesn't make any sense, calling it a Graduation Test, when I'm still a Junior... but whatever.
Week after that, though, things should windle down. After this coming week, it'll be another week of school crap, but THEN... Spring Break, oh my. Nothing but Playstation and dumbbells for me. And some weeks later, this bastard turns 17.
It's gonna be a long end of the school year, I should say.
-AG
...and that's just the testing. Right now, I gotta call this magazine business about a SECOND? renewal for my subscription? When I just renewed it about 2 weeks ago? Not just that, but drama to deal with, with people that are driving each other, and me, to the point of mental hysteria. AND drama onstage as well, with our rehearsals for "Alice In Wonderland" we're performing about a month from now.
Man, that's the only sort of "drama" I wanna deal with. I'm talking to some veterans on how the testing was to them. It doesn't make any sense, calling it a Graduation Test, when I'm still a Junior... but whatever.
Week after that, though, things should windle down. After this coming week, it'll be another week of school crap, but THEN... Spring Break, oh my. Nothing but Playstation and dumbbells for me. And some weeks later, this bastard turns 17.
It's gonna be a long end of the school year, I should say.
-AG
Mar 18, 2010
Crap from me, to 6th period.
"dear blog,
today i told my class from mrs. young about my blog. i told them i talk about my deep thoughts, and they laughed. nobody will take me serioulsy. i hate it. i hate it alot, nobody loves me. anywaayyyy, i had another lame day. drama, people being IMMATURE, blah. hope tomorrow is better...
anthony"
... yeah right. Take that, you 6th period basterds.
It really is saddening that some people can't take others seriously as they can or should. Sure, I'm a wild persona, and I can believe some people wouldn't take me seriously at times, but why the hell not? Do you not wanna try? Give it a chance?... but then am I trying? Crisscross on ideals. Man, I hate complexity.
-AG
today i told my class from mrs. young about my blog. i told them i talk about my deep thoughts, and they laughed. nobody will take me serioulsy. i hate it. i hate it alot, nobody loves me. anywaayyyy, i had another lame day. drama, people being IMMATURE, blah. hope tomorrow is better...
anthony"
... yeah right. Take that, you 6th period basterds.
It really is saddening that some people can't take others seriously as they can or should. Sure, I'm a wild persona, and I can believe some people wouldn't take me seriously at times, but why the hell not? Do you not wanna try? Give it a chance?... but then am I trying? Crisscross on ideals. Man, I hate complexity.
-AG
Mar 15, 2010
On being single.
Continued from ‘On relationships’
So as I said on my last blog entry, I’m not usually in a rush to be in a relationship. Beginning one, dealing with one, ending one, getting over one, but also… I just freaking enjoy being a single guy. I mean, there are as many disadvantages as there are advantages in not being in a relationship, but… let me just write.
Let me just write. (I like that.)
I’ve been single for my entire life. Now I think because of that, I have been able to express myself more vividly and openly than I would if I wasn’t. I feel so free, relaxed, and feel as if I can be who I want to be without worrying about relationships. Circumstances, I’d probably still be able to if I was in one, but I really doubt that. I enjoy being single mainly for the freedom and interactions.
I love women. Pretty women. Women with personality, women with adorable faces, women with a grasp on intellect, women with bodies that make your pants drop … you get the point. But that’s the thing. Women. Not woman. Women. There are plenty of those kinds out there, and it’s the thing with me being with one of those for a certain time. A certain time until I seem to either get irritated or bored, and later have the itch to meet someone new. Someone with the figures I mentioned above. (I’ll expand on that.) And again, there are those I simply can never get tired of, get angry about, and simply not worry or be afraid of being in a relationship with. But that’s just rare, and that’s just me.
And then there’s me living. Here’s the jingle: I can handle billions of people judging how I dress, strut, rebel, or do random things. I can handle people judging me. I cannot, CANNOT handle one person judging me, and remind myself that that person is really a part of my life. Women will find their ways to control your life. I can’t say for myself, clearly, but it will happen. Maybe not all, but again that’ll be that rare breed of women.
Not just all this, but I simply enjoy playing. Playing with the curiosity of women liking me. And yes, it has happened, it happens. It always will. It will for me, for you, him, and her. And if you play that game, and you yourself are in a relationship, it’ll make you sick. Hanging out with women, being with women, hugging women, different women talking to you, having yourself be someone to look up to… all that jazz, and not worry about a girlfriend questioning it, complaining about it... just only having the other guy questioning, which is always fun.
Now again, there are those nights where I feel pretty alone as I watch the Late Late Show, or drink a pop of Cola as I lay back on the coach, or even when I do homework with music blaring out of my laptop. It can be saddening for me on many occurrences, I’d really feel like a lowdown loser for not being in a relationship, I admit. It’s never fun, especially when you’re standing with your friends and their boyfriend/girlfriend and those two are chatting, and you just stand there like a dumbass asking yourself “What am I doing here?” There are those times, sulking over it. But when I feel that alone, I can always turn to some gals I can never feel alone with, and all that I mentioned above comes to effect.
In the end, though, I somehow overlook it myself over how incredible and content my life is. I feel this major sense of freedom and liberty when I am me, and me being single. I don’t think I’m gonna need a woman in my life in awhile. Maybe not yet, but not now, not when I got the world going my way. I live the way I want. And no woman is going to change that.
-AG
Mar 8, 2010
On relationships.
I’m going to be frank with anyone who sees this. I mean my friends on Facebook, a spontaneous reader, or just anyone interested on how I have handled relationships for the past, almost, 17 years.
I’ve never been in one. Never in a relationship. I’ve never asked a girl out, I’ve never been on a date, I never even kissed a girl with it having a sort of meaning in the word “love”. The sort of “love” that most everyone in this Godforsaken Earth has hidden, loathed, and complicated since the existence of humanity.
I think I finally figured out why I’ve never been in one. And believe me, it’s not because I’m socially awkward. Lord have mercy on us all, I’m the most confident and lively man you’ll find in your universe. I can do anything, say anything, and have no ounce of fear or regret in what I do. Revolutionary, alive, badabing sister, you have to meet me to know me.
What I DO fear, I realized sometime ago, is being in a relationship. It may be me, and people like me, who either don’t know where to start (Boy, do I got stories to tell.), or just don’t want to deal with the problems and heartaches that’ll event. Or both. Either way, that’s probably my one and only fear, yet my one and only thrill. Being in love, not being in love.
Now trust me, and take it my way, I think I could be a damn good boyfriend. And I’m honest there. I’ve taken in that into consideration through what I’ve experienced, seen, and observed with couples for my past life, and still do. I see what’s going right, see what’s going wrong, see who’s to blame for a relationship issue… I’ve seen it all (Not in a creeper manner, I mean.) And believe me, I honestly think I’d be the right man.
But then there’s me with the right woman. Or lack there of. I mean I found some here and there, but that was when I was younger and more of an amateur, and just thought FAR too ahead of myself. Now where I am, that’s mostly what I think of. That, and homework, sadly.
What I question myself at times is whether I’d be devoted to a single person. One person? And for how long? How long til I found someone “better” in some way over the one I’d be with at the moment. This gal, then this gal I met, then this other gal’s friend… all in less than a month. That’s happened many times, still does. And I did find the one (The ONE, damnit!) for awhile, but even she herself has my sort of situation.
When I learned that, I somehow felt more free than a bird would ask for. Because I’m not alone, but also more relaxed than I was before. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead of myself at my age, maybe I’m not. I just felt like clearing this out for my fellow Facebook-ers, but especially for myself.
As for what I’ve taught myself, I want to teach myself again, and maybe teach you: For fuck’s sake, just be yourself. Don’t let a woman, even if you don’t know her at all, make you change that. Because what you do with your character and personality leaves a mark on all the women who notice. They’ll be a sum of those who ignore, and a sum of those who’ll take notice and try to know you. And then there’s the sum who take it naturally (Dont know what that means, though.). And as a side, have personality. Gals like that. Not boredom (usually…), but a sort of “Hot damn!” rockstar-sorta person who knows how to live. And doesn’t obsese, or complicate, or frustrate.
Now why have I myself not done this? Simply this. Because I’m one of the few who don’t have a major rush to be in a relationship. Not yet, at least. I’ll figure this out in time. Yes, there are many moments I feel so alone and lost without a woman, but I enjoy being single. I really do ;) (I’ll expand on this.)
…I should be doing research right now, but my Engineer/Drawing teach is too distracted with what’s going on behind our lab, and I’m not in the mood (I’m in a good mood.) to look up info on a ducted fan. I should ask Brandon whether… nay, I’ll take care of it… not right now. Too busy writing and listening to about 52 Beatles songs on my PSP. Procrastination to the max, doll. Get back. Get back. Get back to where you once belong…
-AG
I’ve never been in one. Never in a relationship. I’ve never asked a girl out, I’ve never been on a date, I never even kissed a girl with it having a sort of meaning in the word “love”. The sort of “love” that most everyone in this Godforsaken Earth has hidden, loathed, and complicated since the existence of humanity.
I think I finally figured out why I’ve never been in one. And believe me, it’s not because I’m socially awkward. Lord have mercy on us all, I’m the most confident and lively man you’ll find in your universe. I can do anything, say anything, and have no ounce of fear or regret in what I do. Revolutionary, alive, badabing sister, you have to meet me to know me.
What I DO fear, I realized sometime ago, is being in a relationship. It may be me, and people like me, who either don’t know where to start (Boy, do I got stories to tell.), or just don’t want to deal with the problems and heartaches that’ll event. Or both. Either way, that’s probably my one and only fear, yet my one and only thrill. Being in love, not being in love.
Now trust me, and take it my way, I think I could be a damn good boyfriend. And I’m honest there. I’ve taken in that into consideration through what I’ve experienced, seen, and observed with couples for my past life, and still do. I see what’s going right, see what’s going wrong, see who’s to blame for a relationship issue… I’ve seen it all (Not in a creeper manner, I mean.) And believe me, I honestly think I’d be the right man.
But then there’s me with the right woman. Or lack there of. I mean I found some here and there, but that was when I was younger and more of an amateur, and just thought FAR too ahead of myself. Now where I am, that’s mostly what I think of. That, and homework, sadly.
What I question myself at times is whether I’d be devoted to a single person. One person? And for how long? How long til I found someone “better” in some way over the one I’d be with at the moment. This gal, then this gal I met, then this other gal’s friend… all in less than a month. That’s happened many times, still does. And I did find the one (The ONE, damnit!) for awhile, but even she herself has my sort of situation.
When I learned that, I somehow felt more free than a bird would ask for. Because I’m not alone, but also more relaxed than I was before. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead of myself at my age, maybe I’m not. I just felt like clearing this out for my fellow Facebook-ers, but especially for myself.
As for what I’ve taught myself, I want to teach myself again, and maybe teach you: For fuck’s sake, just be yourself. Don’t let a woman, even if you don’t know her at all, make you change that. Because what you do with your character and personality leaves a mark on all the women who notice. They’ll be a sum of those who ignore, and a sum of those who’ll take notice and try to know you. And then there’s the sum who take it naturally (Dont know what that means, though.). And as a side, have personality. Gals like that. Not boredom (usually…), but a sort of “Hot damn!” rockstar-sorta person who knows how to live. And doesn’t obsese, or complicate, or frustrate.
Now why have I myself not done this? Simply this. Because I’m one of the few who don’t have a major rush to be in a relationship. Not yet, at least. I’ll figure this out in time. Yes, there are many moments I feel so alone and lost without a woman, but I enjoy being single. I really do ;) (I’ll expand on this.)
…I should be doing research right now, but my Engineer/Drawing teach is too distracted with what’s going on behind our lab, and I’m not in the mood (I’m in a good mood.) to look up info on a ducted fan. I should ask Brandon whether… nay, I’ll take care of it… not right now. Too busy writing and listening to about 52 Beatles songs on my PSP. Procrastination to the max, doll. Get back. Get back. Get back to where you once belong…
-AG
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