I’ve been watching American Beauty far too many times this week. Far too many times in one life, and the number of times will reach infinite times until the day I die. I love this movie. Not just because of the stellar acting, camera work, and music... but how it settles into your emotions and living through its definite message.
I can’t tell you exactly what that message is, since there are many interpretations of it from many movie-junkies, and it’s not exactly a message, not as much as a feeling... that you can’t live this life without knowing one very eternal and important factor that about everyone has come to forget completely: are you happy.
It’s hard for me to put to words what’s been happening to me over the course of my older teenage years, but I can tell you straight away that I’ve lost much. I’ve lost so much I don’t even remember what I’ve lost because it is forever gone... but through this lose, I’ve gained. I’ve gained a newer spirituality, a newer awareness on what is concrete, a newer livelihood.
I can tell you a few things I know I’ve lost:
- All religion
- Any respect for politics
- A failure of humanity
- The clique of this generation of society
- The self-esteem issues that cloud what is true “beauty”
And a revitalized image of death.
If I had to die, right here, right this moment... I’d welcome it.
My life. My God, my life. Since those revelations and events, it literally brings a tear to my eye that my life is so... beautiful.
That important dynamic of life that a godly many have lost, and I was willing to soak it in: happiness. Before anything, I wasn’t so in-line with myself. Sure, I was happy, but nothing was concrete. It was as if every emotion in me was just flying all around me from my head, just whizzing by without a clue were to go. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do with myself. Should I just follow the conformity, and see if it takes me anywhere? I wanted to GO somewhere, but I didn’t know where. What was I suppose to do?... I just wouldn’t be content in my life if I was to die that moment.
I would rather die happy than live sadly.
But I (think I’ve) found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve let myself be myself. I’ve lost interest in what used to matter in perspective to others, insignificant others I would begin to realize before it was too late that they would have nothing to do with me in the next years of my forthcoming new life. I threw away what I realized had nothing to do with me, never made me happy, all these emotions that would only hurt and confuse and annoy, and just had no heart or anything for... and everything I threw away turned into who I am right now as I type this: me.
I know where I want to go, what I want to do, I am letting it all out, and it built into this human conscience who knows what to do... I think. Nothing will ever be concrete. But there’s no joy in having it concrete. You can’t stay still and routine. There’s nothing there, no matter how fun that routine is. “Live and let die.” Give it a try. Take the shot... just fucking go for it! As I tell everyone on anything, you only have one life. One small, unpredictable, time-ticking, continuous life. A life you’re just gonna let go all by itself.
I would rather die happy than live sadly.
An orange sunrise, an orange sunset, a gentle breeze as the lake paddled with your emotions as you just sit there, and the only thing around you is nothing, nothing but those feelings of breath-taking senses of glee and beauty, all just unleash out of your heart and into the air. Letting go. And realizing just how gratified you are to be alive and well.
And then you die.
-AG