I’m going to be frank with anyone who sees this. I mean my friends on Facebook, a spontaneous reader, or just anyone interested on how I have handled relationships for the past, almost, 17 years.
I’ve never been in one. Never in a relationship. I’ve never asked a girl out, I’ve never been on a date, I never even kissed a girl with it having a sort of meaning in the word “love”. The sort of “love” that most everyone in this Godforsaken Earth has hidden, loathed, and complicated since the existence of humanity.
I think I finally figured out why I’ve never been in one. And believe me, it’s not because I’m socially awkward. Lord have mercy on us all, I’m the most confident and lively man you’ll find in your universe. I can do anything, say anything, and have no ounce of fear or regret in what I do. Revolutionary, alive, badabing sister, you have to meet me to know me.
What I DO fear, I realized sometime ago, is being in a relationship. It may be me, and people like me, who either don’t know where to start (Boy, do I got stories to tell.), or just don’t want to deal with the problems and heartaches that’ll event. Or both. Either way, that’s probably my one and only fear, yet my one and only thrill. Being in love, not being in love.
Now trust me, and take it my way, I think I could be a damn good boyfriend. And I’m honest there. I’ve taken in that into consideration through what I’ve experienced, seen, and observed with couples for my past life, and still do. I see what’s going right, see what’s going wrong, see who’s to blame for a relationship issue… I’ve seen it all (Not in a creeper manner, I mean.) And believe me, I honestly think I’d be the right man.
But then there’s me with the right woman. Or lack there of. I mean I found some here and there, but that was when I was younger and more of an amateur, and just thought FAR too ahead of myself. Now where I am, that’s mostly what I think of. That, and homework, sadly.
What I question myself at times is whether I’d be devoted to a single person. One person? And for how long? How long til I found someone “better” in some way over the one I’d be with at the moment. This gal, then this gal I met, then this other gal’s friend… all in less than a month. That’s happened many times, still does. And I did find the one (The ONE, damnit!) for awhile, but even she herself has my sort of situation.
When I learned that, I somehow felt more free than a bird would ask for. Because I’m not alone, but also more relaxed than I was before. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead of myself at my age, maybe I’m not. I just felt like clearing this out for my fellow Facebook-ers, but especially for myself.
As for what I’ve taught myself, I want to teach myself again, and maybe teach you: For fuck’s sake, just be yourself. Don’t let a woman, even if you don’t know her at all, make you change that. Because what you do with your character and personality leaves a mark on all the women who notice. They’ll be a sum of those who ignore, and a sum of those who’ll take notice and try to know you. And then there’s the sum who take it naturally (Dont know what that means, though.). And as a side, have personality. Gals like that. Not boredom (usually…), but a sort of “Hot damn!” rockstar-sorta person who knows how to live. And doesn’t obsese, or complicate, or frustrate.
Now why have I myself not done this? Simply this. Because I’m one of the few who don’t have a major rush to be in a relationship. Not yet, at least. I’ll figure this out in time. Yes, there are many moments I feel so alone and lost without a woman, but I enjoy being single. I really do ;) (I’ll expand on this.)
…I should be doing research right now, but my Engineer/Drawing teach is too distracted with what’s going on behind our lab, and I’m not in the mood (I’m in a good mood.) to look up info on a ducted fan. I should ask Brandon whether… nay, I’ll take care of it… not right now. Too busy writing and listening to about 52 Beatles songs on my PSP. Procrastination to the max, doll. Get back. Get back. Get back to where you once belong…
-AG
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